Reflections from a Prodigal Daughter

Not so Dirty 30

2011-07-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Dirty thirty. The Big 3-0. That’s what I turn today. I don’t know where these nicknames come from, but the anxiety that many people get when this age approaches didn’t hit me. In fact, I am really excited about turning 30. I have been looking forward to it for a long time. While most people mourn their 20’s because it is a period of their life they will miss, I am bidding farewell to a period of my life that I kicked in the teeth with great joy. The first two decades of my life were not spent making memories that would fill a scrapbook with cute die-cuts and pretty pictures. Most of my life was a bad after school special. Life required that I join its gang, and with it came a blood in, blood out requirement. Life jumped me in to its gang with a series of punches and kicks to my spirit that damaged me to the point of bitterness and resentment toward anyone and anything that offered a better alternative, which finally came to me in my late 20’s.

When I entered into my 20’s I was ready to fight my way out of the life gang and didn’t care what collateral damage I took out in the process. I had taken the stress-fractured wounds of my past and bandaged them up, and would spend the next 10 years running on them, until they would finally turn into a full-blown break in my spirit. There was a clause in the blood out rule of the life gang is that that blood had already been shed. My price to get out of the torturous life I was living was paid. My gang membership was void, but I was not aware of it. Jesus Christ paid this price for me, and I didn’t have to spend anymore years fighting the battle I had fought for so long, alone. The lessons I learned in my 20’s were valuable, but I am happy to take those lessons with me and leave the years behind. I have learned that even when you face a near death experience, that won’t always create a miraculous change in you. You still have to work towards a change, and that often takes a considerable amount of time and effort. It is the journey that’s important. I’ve learned that Satan only has the amount of power over you that you allow him to have. I heard this statement in a sermon by Tony Evans, and it empowered me to make some much needed changes in my life. Satan does not have free reign to control your life. As Christians, we have the power of the holy spirit in our lives, however when we allow Satan a foothold, such as anxiety, or harboring a secret that controls us, he now has some power in our lives. I have learned that when I give him this power, I am not allowing the Holy Spirit as much freedom to work in my life. I’ve learned that the older I get, I cry…a lot. I see the beauty in things I didn’t see before. Extreme Homemaker Home Edition gets me every time. I expect that by the time I’m 50, I will need a tissue for a baby food commercial.

I am thankful to have made it to 30. I am thankful to have been blessed with the family I have. I am thankful that God has given me another year because 8 months ago we weren’t sure that was going to be possible. I am thankful I made it through my 20’s and that God allowed my sanity to stay intact, my family to stay together, and for my health. I am thankful that Jesus paid the price for me to get out of the Life gang, and join His Love gang.

May I be kinder to my 30’s than I was to my 20’s…

“This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:24

Fix You

2010-12-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

I received some good news from my doctor today. My numbers are looking good and she said I will only need 2 more plasma treatments and I will be "fixed". It's been a long road. All the Glory goes to God for "fixing" me. I've always loved Coldplay's "Fix You". However, this song has a bit more meaning to me now. I plan to write more later on my reflections on what I've learned throughout this journey, but for now, I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do.

Will the Real W.M.D's Please Stand Up?

2010-12-12T17:15:00.000-06:00

I did it. I did what all the top government officials were unable to do. I found the weapons of mass destruction. Or at least one of them. Escherichia coli O157:H7. This is one of the hundreds of strains of E. Coli that the Department of Homeland Security has listed on its list of bioterrorism agent list, and the culprit that was hidden in my bowels for 24-72 hours waiting to wreak havoc on my body. I knew that it was E. Coli that caused my bodily destruction, but bioterrorism agent? That’s impressive. Let me backtrack a bit. As you all know, I’ve recently been sick to the point of hospitalization, but what you may not know, is that it all started with an intestinal infection. Now, this wasn’t just any intestinal infection. This was the Hiroshima of intestinal infections. You see, E. Coli O157:H7 causes Shiga toxins to be released into the system of the person infected. Sounds fun right? They have those little pain scales in doctor’s offices with the faces ranking your pain level from a 1-10. I consider myself to have a high pain tolerance, but the pain that came with those “Shiga toxins” had me praying for mercy like I’ve never prayed before.

Another interesting fact? Laboratories do not specifically test for E. Coli O157:H7 unless the doctor requests it. Did mine? No. Now, my doctor was a good doctor. I went to see him thinking I had a virus, a stomach bug, something quickly curable with some heavy-duty antibiotics. He thought the same thing, so he prescribed me two antibiotics, some anti-cramping medicine, ordered the humiliating stool samples and sent me on my way. A few days later I went back to see him, not feeling much better, with no positive results… the stool samples all came back negative. His response? “Most of the time we never know what causes these things”. Well…all right. I went home to wait it out and a pray that that antibiotics would knock this mysterious illness out quickly. I find out (the hard way) that a person infected with E. Coli O157:H7 should not be prescribed antibiotics because it will not cure the problem and it could cause things to progress to a deadly complication: Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome.

On Friday November 12, I woke up after 10 days of suffering through what I now know is a bioterrorist agent, 10 pounds lighter, and jaundice, and feeling worse than I have ever felt in my life and I told my husband I thought I might need to go to the hospital. After about 2 hours at the ER, a few blood tests, and one of those talks with the doctor that you see on TV that you never want to have, I was on my way to the ICU with the diagnosis of, yep, Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome. I went from what I thought was a simple stomach bug to a life threatening disease that destroys your red blood cells and my organs were beginning to shut down, enter kidney failure stage left --all because of a little hidden bioterrorism agent known as Escherichia coli O157:H7.

Not too many people can say they were harboring anything that is listed on the Centers for Disease Control list. Sure, my doctor could have tested for it, but it’s rare. If he had, he wouldn’t have prescribed me antibiotics and I may not have ended up with HUS. I’m thinking I may have another career in my future. Send me to the Middle East Mr. President, you won’t have to worry about finding the W.M.D’s, they will come find me.

Weariness

2010-12-03T21:47:00.000-06:00

I underwent my 16th treatment today, and I am a little bit weary. My treatments take a total of about 6 hours, and it makes for a long day. While I am slowly getting better, the doctors cannot tell me how many more treatments I am going to need to beat this. I started feeling a bit of guilt today because of the weariness I was feeling. Did my weariness mean that my faith was waning? As I sat in the treatment room today, I watched an older man receive dialysis for about 4 hours, another woman a blood transfusion, and yet another woman her daily blood draw to test her platelet levels for the cancer she is battling. Yet, I sat there, weary knowing that each one of those people must be feeling the very same thing. I know my weariness has a resting place. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30) However, some days the unknown, and doctors telling you “I don’t know how much longer” is burdensome. It seems simple to say to lay your burden down, which I have been able to do graciously until today. Frustration is setting in. Today, it was hard to fight back the tears, so what better place to go than the handy Bible app on my phone while I was waiting in the hospital lobby. For no particular reason, I decided on 2 Thessalonians. Random book, but God has His divine reasons and His divine ways of speaking to us. The first thing I read was this, “We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.” (2 Thessalonians 1:3-4) The heading was “Thanksgiving and Prayer”. Under normal circumstances, I would most likely read this scripture for what it is: Paul’s letter to the Thessalonian church. However, it struck me that God meant this passage for me today. Through this trial I am enduring, the love I have for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ has increased exponentially. The love and appreciation I have for my family has grown more than I thought possible. My faith is what is carrying me through each day. Although I am weary, I am beginning to realize that weariness is drawing me nearer to Christ, and I must continue to persevere. I do still believe that He is the True Physician and will heal me in His own time. I know I will still have days of frustration, but I will continue to be thankful for the progress I have made and for the Savior who gives me rest.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Curveball

2010-11-28T00:14:00.000-06:00

Recently, I got pretty sick. Not your common cold kind of sick, but 12 days in the hospital, 6 days spent in the ICU kind of sick. The completely blind-side you kind of sick. The, as I am typing this, I am still battling kind of sick. Ok, you get the point. Now, although I am still sick, and patiently waiting for my healing, my faith in God has been transformed. Strange? No, amazing things can happen when your life hangs in the balance. “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18) This time a year most people spend time “giving thanks” for what they are thankful for. If you would have asked me a month ago what I was most thankful for I would have given you an answer something like, “my husband, my son, my health, my job, my church”. Today, while I am still thankful for those things, they carry a very different meaning to me. During these past few weeks, my husband has shown a quiet strength that is given only by God. He has lead our household just as God has called him to do. For that, I am thankful. Psalm 28:7 says, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song”

Spending time in ICU, and several other days in a hospital wing, seeing people suffering far greater than even me, could not help but shift my emotional “thankfulness” to that of a “thankfulness” state of mind. While in the ICU, one event specifically comes to mind. I called for the nurse, and she took more time to come to my room than usual. When she finally arrived, she apologized and said she was attending to someone who was dying. Today I am thankful for my life. I am Thankful in a way I have never been before for my Savior. I am overwhelmed by the amount of support my family received by our church family, through visits, meals, and prayers. There are people out there whom I will most likely never meet, who were praying for my healing and for my family. For that, I am thankful. I believe that I could wake up tomorrow fully healed. Jesus Christ has that healing power. Nevertheless, if He chooses to lengthen my time of healing, to teach me to become a more thankful, patient, or perhaps a lesson yet unseen, I accept that. If there is one lesson that I have fully learned and embraced, it is thankfulness. Not, emotional thankfulness, but thankfulness as a state of mind. What is the difference? To put it simply, your spouse gives you a necklace you have been wanting for a long time. You are thankful. Or, you overpaid your escrow for the year and your unexpectedly get a refund check in the mail. You are thankful. These are pretty basic. A thankfulness state of mind is hard to come by. Do I think I’ve got it down and will never slip? No. I am human. However, I certainly believe that my mind has shifted to believing in a more thankful way. For example, as I have said before, I am thankful for my life. Not just, I get to wake up every day, but my life. What my life is: A gift. When you are told you are sick enough to need immediate treatment or you could die, the realization that your life is a gift from God becomes a reality. The reality that you have a family who depends on you, now requires your faith to get through the course. Everyone has bad days. I had my fair share of grouchy, irritable, “I’ll do better tomorrow” days, not ever realizing those days were numbered. Sure, you hear the cliché, “you never know when your last day will be”, but you never think it will happen to you. I can guarantee you, by switching to a thankful state of mind, I will be kinder to my husband and kinder to my son. Because I never again want to say, “I’ll try harder tomorrow”. I’ve learned that by having a thankfulness state of mind, my eyes are opened to many positives through my illness. My love and appreciation for my husband has grown deeper. I have always had a very difficult time letting him “do” any of the housework. Not because he isn’t capable, but simply because of my controlling nature. God found a way to humble my controlling nature, and I have found that my husband is an excellent and organized housekeeper. In place of control has grown an appreciation for all the hard work he has had to take on in my absence. I have learned humility. Some of the people closest to me have now seen me at my worst, and I have always considered myself to be the “caretaker” in most of my relationships, and I have now been on the receiving end of the “caretaking” and have had to graciously accept their help. I have seen a true shining example of Christian stewardship. The outpouring support of our friends has brought me to tears many nights. There weren’t many times when I was alone in my hospital room, but when I was, it could get pretty quiet. However, it was in those quiet times, I felt Christ presence the most, letting me know I was never alone. After 35 years of smoking, my father decided to stop. In his words, “if you can fight for your life and it’s not even your fault, I can stop a stupid habit and live to see my grandson get married.” Glory to God!

If I wake up tomorrow fully healed, I will thank God. If I have weeks or months of treatments to undergo, I will be thankful. Because I will know, that God has a plan for me. He may have thrown me a curve ball, but I believe there is a beautiful lesson to be learned in all of this, I am terrible in baseball, but Our God bats 1000.

“Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. “ Jeremiah 17:14

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30:11-12

13 Going on 30

2010-10-29T18:25:00.000-05:00

In exactly 9 months from today, I turn 30. For most people, this is a depressing event. For me, however, I don’t mind. In fact, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I supposed it is because I have always considered myself to have lived a life well past my physical age, so turning 30 isn’t really a “landmark” event. It’s another year. However, today does mark a day that I have been dreading. My son turns 13. This day is a bit depressing. I had no idea it would be really. But the harsh realization that in 5 years he will be moving on to college and out of the house, and out of my and his father’s protection is a scary thought. From the age of 0-12 parents experience things like, crawling, walking, ABC’s, learning to ride a bike, eating lunch at school with your kids, bedtime stories, and kisses from your kids before bedtime. From the ages of 13-18 it’s puberty, no more kisses before bed because it’s not cool anymore, interest in the opposite sex, “the talk”, actually caring about how they look, driving, dating, prom, and talks of college. Of course, this is a seriously condensed list, but you get the idea. Stuff changes. Now, not to sound overly ignorant, of course, I knew stuff was going to change. That is where the fiercely protective mother in me comes in. It seems that the word “teenager” brings with it the idea that “life” is waiting in the wings to try to make your child stumble, to try and make your child hurt and fail. Moreover, a good parent, at times, will allow their child to fail, and not be there to clean up every mess that their kid makes, because that is how they learn to be an accountable, responsible adult. I realize this, however, this “13th birthday” brings with it a desire to be a “bad” parent all the way and clean up every mess life throws at my son. That being said, I realize this is me lacking faith. And I am working on it. I know that God does not promise our lives will be without pain and suffering and I know that God has a plan for my son’s life. I know that "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9 I know which way I would like for my son’s life to go. I would like for his life to be without pain, without suffering, without hardship. I would like him to be able to grow into a man without having to go through trials, but I also know that this is an incredibly unrealistic and ignorant way of thinking. Jesus Himself went through trials before He returned to Glory. It is the mother in me, and that I cannot change. However, I can change my prayer life to reflect God’s will and not my own. In the past 13 years, I have learned some hard parenting lessons. Here are a few:

· It is a bit cliché, but true. Time flies. I know so many people who are either pregnant, or have very small children that are so overjoyed at the new life that has been brought into their world. With this new life comes a lack a of sleep, mysterious spit up stains on your own clothes, stress over what germs may be on the pacifier that just fell on the ground, stress over what germs your baby may pick up from the stranger who wants to hold your precious baby in the mall, worry over which formula will provide the best nutrients for your baby’s growing body, worry, stress, worry, sleeplessness, worry, stress, but inevitably…JOY. Let me tell you, by the time that precious baby turns 13, all those moments you spent sanitizing a dirty, germy pacifier, choosing the right formula, catching extra sleep, or worrying over what germ your baby may have picked up in the mall won’t matter anymore, because you will then be too busy trying to remember where the last 13 years went. Be grateful for the time you have and cherish it.

· Realize that you and your spouse are going to differ in your parenting styles. Period. You should have a basic groundwork for how you are going to raise your children, but there are going to be times that you disagree. Spending the next 18 years of your children’s lives in disagreement over how to raise your children will not benefit anyone. I believe that there is an order to be followed in the household. God, father, mother, children. When this order is disrupted, there are problems. However, basing your family’s foundation on the verse, “as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15) you are laying the groundwork for a peaceful partnership in parenting.

· Raising children is stressful, and expensive. No doubt about that. But, it is also fun. One of my biggest regrets of the past 13 years is not laughing enough. While you should definitely take parenting seriously, you should allow yourself to laugh and not take yourself so seriously. You will make mistakes along the way. We are imperfect people, we made imperfect kids, the combination is bound to lead to some funny (and some not so funny) events along the way. So, allow yourself to laugh. Plus, as my husband likes to say, laugh lines are prettier than frown lines!

· I heard not too long ago someone say something like, “you shouldn’t take credit for all of your child’s successes, and you shouldn’t take credit for all of your child’s failures”. This is one of the hardest lessons for me. I have no problem with the not taking credit for his successes. However, the failures I take on almost completely. This goes back to wanting to protect my child to a fault. We, as parents, have to allow our child to fail, and succeed, on their own, and allow them to take credit for both. It makes them stronger, higher functioning adults.

· Do not be afraid to talk to your kids. I was a teenage mother, and as such, there wasn’t much hiding I could do when it came to “the talk”. Now, I let my husband handle most of the details when it came to that portion because he is a boy (thank goodness for that), but we took the advice of other parents who said do not give them more information than they ask for. Kids talked when I was in school, and times today are much different than they were even 20 years ago when it come s to what goes on in school hallways. You want your kids to get “life facts” from you so that you know they are getting good, honest information instead of from Johnny on the playground.

Well, I think I have surpassed the definition of a “few” so I will stop there. Although today carries a bit of sadness at the fact that my “little boy” is growing up, I am also very proud at the young man he is becoming. I am very thankful to God for carrying my family through the difficult times we have faced and for shielding my son from any unnecessary pain. I am thankful that I am blessed with a wonderful, God-fearing husband who is an amazing father to our son, who has no idea has truly lucky he is to have a Dad like him. I am thankful for Christ who will continue to direct my son’s steps for the rest of his life.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” -Proverbs 22:6

The Humanity of Lindsay Lohan

2010-09-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan isn't the sweet little girl from "Parent Trap" anymore. Or is she? She has certainly become a money- maker for the media, been made an example of by parents, been a source of entertainment for the general public, and been the #1 topic on many morning radio shows. But for what reason? Is it because of the public's insatiable need for voyeurism? Or because we find it impossible to look away from a train wreck no matter the apparent destruction going on in an individual’s life because it makes for good gossip? Whatever the case is, the humanity of Lindsay Lohan isn't a topic that gets discussed. Sure, her latest failed drug test, her latest excuse, and her latest miff at the media and seemingly careless attitude toward life in general certainly has seen its share of the limelight, but her humanity does not make for good TV. So, what about it? Despite her celebrity, her fame, her fortune, and her fans, Lindsay Lohan is a human being who is obviously hurting. In her human weakness, and inability to cope with all that life has thrown at her, she has chosen to deal with life in a very unhealthy manner. I have heard several people say about not only her, but also other celebrities (such as Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and Anna Nicole Smith) that they do not understand what could possibly be making them so depressed. It is easy to assume that having fame and fortune is the cure-all for life's problems. However, fame and fortune do not fill emptiness. They are instead a shell of a life that is easily cracked by the humanity we all face no matter where we lie on the economic and popularity scale. Lindsay Lohan needs help, that much is a given. However, at this point, her celebrity status is failing her by shining a light on her misdeeds, and she seems to believe that accountability isn't applicable to her. She, like thousands of other people every day, have yet to hit a point where there is nowhere to go but Up. Many seem to view her as a lost cause and are waiting on a news report similar to the one that reported Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith's death. When you strip down Lindsay Lohan's situation and look at her from a humanity standpoint, we all face a very real and similar situation. Now, I am not saying that we all go out and do drugs and party, to view that part of her situation would be missing the point. As human beings we are fallen, we are sinners, and we all need Jesus. We all face an emptiness that if ignored, will blossom into a full-blown black hole that will suck us into other destructive behaviors such as, anger, pride, guilt, drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc. It seems that from the outside looking in, this is what Lindsay Lohan, in her humanity is facing. We all face this same emptiness, when we try to fill our hearts with things of this world that will inevitably fail us. I prayed for Lindsay Lohan this morning. I cannot say I have ever prayed for a celebrity before, but I truly feel bad for her. I do not know her, I find it highly unlikely that I will ever meet her, but I can certainly empathize with her humanity. I hope for her sake the media stops finding profit in her problems, society stops finding entertainment in her suffering, and we are able to recognize that we, like her, are all fallen and are in need of the Grace and Mercy of Jesus Christ.

"I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord; I make supplication with my voice to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path. In the way where I walk They have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me; no one cares for my soul. I cried out to You, O Lord; I said, "You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living. Give heed to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, For they are too strong for me. Bring my soul out of prison, so that I may give thanks to Your name; The righteous will surround me, For You will deal bountifully with me." - Psalm 142:1-7

Down in my Heart

2010-07-25T21:21:00.001-05:00

‎"One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." - Sigmund Freud

Recently, someone asked me why our lives are filled with so much struggle and pain, and not with an unending supply of joy and happiness. Now, initially, this seemed like a reasonable question, one marked with a simple answer pulled from my concordance of scriptures. However, the question stuck with me for a while. One of the biggest issues that I had to conquer on my faith journey was the debate between joy and happiness. Charles Stanley said, “In order to understand the life God desires for us, we need to know the difference between joy and happiness. Both can be defined as gladness, delight, and pleasure in something, but happiness has external cause. When circumstances are enjoyable, we are naturally happy, but when things take a downward turn, so do our attitudes. Joy, on the other hand, has an internal cause and is not dependent upon outside conditions. As believers, we can keep our contentment in good times and bad because our delight is in the Lord, not in our fluctuating circumstances.” In other words, our joy is in the Lord; however, happiness is fleeting. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10, “I have learned to be content in whatever the circumstances.” It wasn’t until recently that I recognized the word “learned” in this verse. I have always focused on what seemingly impossible task this verse presented. However, when you recognize that Paul had to learn to be content, and understand that this is also God’s expectation of us, it is easier to grasp.

It is easy to be cheerful when things are going our way, but how can we do this when times of suffering and difficulty arise? James 1:2-4 tells us, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” We are not rejoicing in the event that is causing our pain, but instead at the outcome. Trials challenge our faith in God’s wisdom, goodness or power. However, His word reassures us that His purposes are good, and if we endure with trust and joy, we will lack nothing.

If each day has become a struggle, and your circumstances are dragging you down, by faith claim the joy of the Lord. Begin by living in His promises instead of under your circumstances. Make a decision to rejoice in Him, regardless of your situation. I fully believe that in time, that by making this decision, your feelings will follow.

“...Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” – Nehemiah 8:10

Brokenhearted

2010-02-19T14:04:00.002-06:00

As many of you probably heard or saw, Tiger Woods made a public apology today regarding his “transgressions”. I personally do not think that it was necessary for the broadcast to be live and deemed a “special report”, but our voyeuristic tendencies made it so. However, whether or not it was live, or should have even been considered national news is not the point. What I saw as I watched this report, was a man who appeared to have a contrite and broken heart. Of course there are going to be people who continue to cast stones in Tiger’s direction, but it does take humility to stand in front of a crowd of people and confess your sins and ask for forgiveness, especially when he didn’t owe it to the public, (despite what many think) but instead to God and to his family.

True humility comes from brokenness, and through that brokenness, contrition. To be contrite, means to be broken or crushed by the weight of our guilt. Our human tendencies and our pride are being crushed to the point of repentance. In our own lives, we may have been faced with someone who was asking for our forgiveness through their own broken and contrite heart, or perhaps been that person ourselves. A person may weep due to the initial guilt of the realization of the consequence of their sins. Through this realization, however, we begin to accept our sincere dependence on God for the forgiveness of our sins, which leads us to repentance. Repentance is the defining characteristic of the brokenhearted. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise” (Psalm 51:17) God does not treat a person with a contrite heart with anger or contempt, but instead offers His grace and mercy. One of the comments Tiger made in his apology that struck me the most was “everyone of you has good reason to be critical of me”. Do we really? Jesus told the Pharisees who brought a woman to Him who was caught in adultery, “if anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone” (John 8:7) Each one of them began to leave and when Jesus asked the woman, “…where are they? Has no one condemned you?" she replied "No one, sir," "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:10-11) When I watch someone who has experienced a “spiritual relapse” and committed sins that have not only caused themselves harm, but to those closest to them, repent and ask for forgiveness, I cannot help but remember the times that I have done the same. Watching Tiger Woods today brought a flood of memories back to me and I wept. I wept for him as a child of God, for his family and for the sacrifice that Jesus has made for each and everyone of us. I wept in thankfulness for what Christ has done in my life. We do not have to live a life with a crushed and broken heart with the fear that we will be hidden from God’s sight forever. Forgiveness and grace are available to us all. Through a broken, contrite and repentant heart, we can be free from the weight of sin. We have the promise that God will not “despise” us for our sins, although there are those who will despise us. Satan does, although he trembles at the name of Jesus. The world will despise us, but stands in awe of sin. I am thankful today for my broken heart. I am thankful that I was not hidden from God’s sight, but instead welcomed back home with Him from a cold world that offered me nothing but shame and grief.

"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:15-18

Celebrate Today

2010-02-12T11:08:00.004-06:00

It is very easy to go through life facing the frustrations and disappointments of day-to-day struggles and never stop to remember or thank the One who has brought us to where we are. I am guilty of this almost daily. There are certain times in our lives that are manufactured days of thankfulness and celebration, such as our birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, anniversaries, etc., but it's those days that aren't highlighted on the calendar that frequently mean the most to us, yet we don't stop to remember why. I think it is almost beyond our human comprehension to be able to realize that every breath is a gift, and we should be thankful for every breath we are granted. While I do not often take the time to thank God for every breath I breathe, I am taking the time today to Thank Him for bringing me through situations in my life that should have ended it. Four years ago, God pulled me from the darkness, and set me on a path that He walks with me on every day. As they say in AA, "I don't thank God for opening the gates of Heaven and letting me in. I thank God for opening the gates of Hell and letting me out." I now realize that if life stopped at second chances, my life would have been over a long time ago. God is the God of grace and mercy, and I am so thankful that He has given me more chances than I can count. So, if today is just a regular day to you, remember that this is the day that the Lord has made. Although there may not be a highlighted reason for celebration on the calendar, the simple fact that we have a Savior that does not stop at second chances is reason to celebrate.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Missing Peace?

2009-12-22T11:53:00.003-06:00

During the holiday season, many people struggle with loneliness. The sounds, lights, talk of family, money, shopping, food, etc, lead people with emptiness to battle. However, we all deal with feelings of loneliness at some point in our lives. We all face feelings of emptiness, which leaves us wondering, "Why?" which pushes us further into striving to fill the void with things of this world. I believe that human beings are puzzles, no one person is the same. We are "knit together in our mother's womb". "For everything God created is good..." (1 Timothy 4:4) which begs the question, why do we reject those things that are good?

Most of us have put together a puzzle at some point in our lives. Unless you are doing one of those 10 piece puzzles made for 5 year olds, puzzles can be a bit laborious and frustrating. Each piece has its place, and there are often several pieces that look alike and appear to fit. But as you move along in the puzzle, you find out that a piece you placed an hour ago isn't right, and the rest of the puzzle won't go together unless you remove that piece and place the proper one in its place. The process of putting together a puzzle is very similar to how our lives work. We go through life with feelings of emptiness and loneliness, and find things along the way to try to fill the void. These things range from unhealthy relationships, drugs, sex, money, our jobs, our appearance, our material possessions, and the list goes on and on. However, each one of these things disrupts the whole process of our lives, and while they may seem to fill the void, acting as the "missing piece" for a while, we eventually find that the rest of our lives will never work until we remove that piece and replace it with the "peace" that was intended. This Peace is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. His love and grace not only completes the puzzle that is our lives, it is the foundation on which the puzzle is made. Therefore, while the holiday season can be a very lonely time for many of us, there is a gift available unlike any gift waiting to be unwrapped under your tree. It is the love of Christ; the basis of Christmas. For myself, Christmas has become so commercialized it is difficult to enjoy it. However, when I remember not only the true reason for Christmas, but also the reason my void is now filled, my heart is no longer two sizes too small.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14: 27

Hands, Feet...and Mouth of Jesus

2009-10-13T14:15:00.003-05:00

I've grown tired of the constant grumbling about politics, health care reform, Obama, the economy, etc, etc...it seems to be never ending. It seems to me, that people have become far too comfortable with throwing stones instead of being the hands and feet...and mouth of Jesus. We have become a nation of whiners, complainers and apathetic people. It is disturbing to me that not only am I hearing all the bad mouthing on regular networks, radio, and friends, but also in the church and on Christian talk radio. While I agree, that it is easier to sit around and discuss our opinions about homelessness, the Obama administration, and health care, it the right thing to go out and do something about it. So, whether Obama should or shouldn't have won the Nobel Peace prize, have you considered that this was part of God's plan for his life? And whether or not you agree with the decision, or whatever political party you side with, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". (Romans 8:28)

So, in all the negative news that was published yesterday, I was happy when I came across this article.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33197187

Bottom Line of Incivility

2009-09-15T09:57:00.002-05:00

Recently there have been several incidents cited in the news about public figures and their lack of civility. Joe Wilson’s ‘You Lie!’ outburst during a joint session of Congress, Serena Williams explicative laced rant against a line judge at the US Open, or Kanye West’s alcohol driven interruption of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the Music Award have been the talk of most news outlets over the past few days. Public outbursts, and word vomit have been around and in the news for as long as the English language has been in existence, and will continue to be. On 60 Minutes, President Obama said, “the loudest, shrillest voices get the most attention. And so, one of the things I'm trying to figure out is, you know, how can we make sure that civility is interesting?” Which begs the question, what is the bottom line of incivility? Although those that are in the public eye tend to get plenty of attention when they spout off at the mouth or doing something foolish, we are all guilty of the same thing and have no right to sit in the seat of judgment. We have all said things that we wish we could take back, done things we later regret, but is impossible to take back the words you speak and you can’t reverse your actions. Apologies come and go, but sin remains. Which is the bottom line of incivility. We are all born with the desire to be #1, the need to be heard and although some people’s fuse is shorter than others, we all get angry at things that in the long run are small by comparison to the larger issues that we all face. Jesus said, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matthew 12:34-37) Stories of crazed tirades, and harsh words will continue to come across the news waves, but we have it within our power, through Jesus Christ, to hold our tongues and watch our actions in our own households. Changing social incivility starts with the individual, and in the words of Gandhi, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world”.

"Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble." Proverbs 21:23

Twisted Scripture

2009-09-12T11:50:00.002-05:00

I read a story in the news about several churches who have sponsored some billboards encouraging Christians to be all inclusive in their churches by including gays & lesbians. The story says, "The billboards are inviting Christians to be more Christian by not excluding gays and lesbians from their churches, while asserting that it is OK in the eyes of God to be homosexual -- a practice thought by many conservative Christians to be an abomination." Now, I before I go any further, I need to make my beliefs very clear. I ABSOLUTELY believe that churches should include all people, regardless of their lifestyle, past, race, or beliefs. We as Christians are called to love one another, and afterall, Jesus came not to call the righteous, but the sinners to repentance. (Luke 5:32) I have to disagree however, with the use of these billboards. The issue for me isn't the use of the billboards in and of themselves, but the misuse of scripture to make their point. One of the billboards uses Matthew 8:5-13, with the quote, 'Jesus affirmed a gay couple'. I looked up the scripture, and it isn't used to show Jesus' affirmation of a gay couple, but instead Jesus healing a servant due to his masters great faith. In a few commentaries on this scripture it says that the word "pais" means slave child, servant, or boy. In a commentary I read which was in support of the use of this scripture on the billboard it claimed that a "pais" was a male child sex slave. It is impossible to deduct that this is what was meant in the context of this scripture. Regardless, I do not believe that by Jesus healing this servant due to his master's faith meant that he was affirming a gay couple. Scripture has been misused for a long time to appease people's conscience and make their sins seem less than they are. I have been guilty of doing the same thing. Scripture has been misused to justify war, slavery, homosexuality, spousal abuse, and money, among other things. While I do believe that we should welcome the lost into churches, I do not think that we should simply turn a blind eye. It is just as dangerous to ignore their sin by creating a sinner-friendly church by not teaching them about Christ love & forgiveness as it is to carry around our pride and look down our noses to the lost. We are called to make disciples and lead those who are lost to salvation. We are not only commanded to do this, but we are also commanded to keep the Lord's scripture.

"Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God that I give you." Deuteronomy 4:2

Off the Wall

2009-08-24T17:29:00.003-05:00

I’ve really tried to stay away from blogging about Michael Jackson, but in light of the coroner ruling his death as a homicide today, I could no longer. I like many people was a fan of MJ. I liked his music and think he was a phenomenal entertainer. I watched his funeral and have read many of the news stories that have been posted about him. My son loves him, and has perfected the moonwalk. But of all the things that Michael Jackson had, it seems that he had one of the biggest holes in his life that he never got filled. It is frustrating to me to watch the world idolize someone, who had rightfully worked for his fame status, yet seems so incredibly empty inside. It seemed as though the more famous MJ got, the bigger his hole became, and the more he struggled to fill it. Michael Jackson has been called a lot of things from, King of Pop, entertainer, hero, icon, inspiration, etc, but I haven’t heard him called a “Christian”. That’s not to say he wasn’t, I don’t think whether or not the media reports something means it is or isn’t true. I have heard a few claims that MJ was a drug addict, but those claims are typically followed by blame on the doctors. I cannot imagine the unbelievable pressure he must have felt on a daily basis. To be unable to go out in public without a mob of people around, or to never trust anyone because of what their motives could have been, or to have to shield your children’s faces because you want to shield them from the life you had, must have been unbearable. What I cannot help but wonder is how different would Michael Jackson’s life have been had he been a Christian, and would the world have placed him on the same pedestal they did knowing that he claimed Jesus Christ as his savior? People in Hollywood practice different religions, from Scientology to Kabbalah, but it is very rare that you hear of someone who is a Christian. I hate to admit it, but instead of being happy to hear a celebrity claim Jesus Christ, I often feel surprised. It is similar to people who go to prison and suddenly find “God”, many people are skeptical of those claims. Are prisoners and celebrities outside of God’s grace? Are they in a lifestyle that contradicts Christianity so much that it comes as a surprise to hear that they also follow Jesus? Michael Jackson is just another example of the tragedy behind looking for happiness in the world. The biggest tragedy of all wasn’t Michael’s death. It is now what the world is going to do with that death and what they will learn from it. Now, there are claims that it was homicide and that it was the doctors fault that he died. Sure, the doctors should absolutely loose their medical licenses and pay for the negligence that they had. But, will fans of Michael Jackson use this as an opportunity to teach their children about what happens when fame, fortune, and the worlds opinion matters more to you than your relationship with Jesus Christ? I know I will. My son still listens to his music and has become quite a good impersonator, however, he also knows why Michael died, and it wasn’t simply because the doctors over-prescribed medication.

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?" Matthew 6:26

My child is growing up...

2009-06-08T13:56:00.003-05:00

My son graduated from 5th grade last week, so starting next year he will join the big bad hormone-infested, awkward world known as Middle School. This year has been quite the eye opener for me. He's been showing signs of "growing up" for a while, but it really hit home this year. I know my kid is growing up...

1.) My son has actually start caring about his appearance. This happened to us the day of his graduation. My son has never cared about his appearance. I can barely get the child to brush his teeth, much less care about whether or not his clothes match. I started letting him pick out his own clothes this year, and as much as it pains me to watch him go to school with mix-matched clothes, I have to let him make these fashion mistakes. But, he actually told his dad he wasn't comfortable wearing brown shoes with black pants (he picked this out himself) and wanted to make sure he looked 'nice' for his graduation. I can only assume he wanted to look 'nice' for a certain girl he's had a crush on all year. He also told his dad he thought he (his dad) should wear the same outfit he wore to church Sunday because it looked good on him.

2.) He is no longer required to go to the "kid check in" booths at church because he is now part of the phenomenon known as "youth" and is no longer referred to as a "kid". He can now check himself in without the help of mom and dad and aren't required to wearing the name tags that end up on the floor board of the car.

3.) Yesterday a song from early 2000's came on the radio and my son referred to it as "Old School". I didn't think it was possible for an 11 year old to think anything was "Old School".

4.) Last Sunday he received a Teen Bible from church as a "moving up" gift that has no cartoon depictions of smiling pictures of Jesus, no Noah and the ark pictures, no strategically placed leaf covered pictures of Adam and Eve. Instead there is a list of "60 of Satans Favorite Lies", which include discussions on the true definition of sex, pornography, and dating. Naturally as a curious pre-pubesant 11 year old boy, this lead to some uncomfortable conversations. Luckily because I'm the mother of a boy, I get to refer most of these questions to Dad.

5.) His new favorite shows are those that come on CBS, NBC, and ABC and not PBS, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon. My son's favorite show is "Lie to Me"...he now wants to be a body language expert when he grows up. Just last year he wanted to be a superhero.

6.) Helping with homework now involves some research on the internet. And I'm not talking about my son doing the research. It's me, trying to figure out how to help him figure out certain assignments. It's a pretty humbling experience to have to tell your child "I'll help you in a little bit", and spend that next "little bit" feverishly researching how to do certain things.

7.) He has recently start paying attention to my driving and just yesterday told me that "it isn't safe to text and drive". He only noticed because he's now old enough to sit in the front seat.

8.) My son tells me almost everyday "Mom I'm almost taller than you".

I am proud of my son. His teacher told us that he is the bright spot in her day. And he really is a great kid. (not that I'm biased or anything) I get all "mom" sometimes and worry about him. I worry that he is about to be in middle school and the things he will encounter there. I worry that puberty is setting in and girls won't have cooties anymore, and instead he will start noticing other things that rhyme with "cooties". I worry about the mistakes he will make. I worry about how I will react to him having his first girlfriend. But I know that if I turn my worries and my son over to the protection of Christ he will be ok. And I will tell him...

"My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine. My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. "

Proverbs 3:1-12

Flying Builds Faith

2009-06-04T16:11:00.002-05:00

I recently went to Oregon for a week on a business trip. This was the first time I have ever flown any significant distance. As I got ready to board the plane, my husband called me and prayed for my flight. It eased my anxiety...until I sat down in the plane. Now, my husband had warned me about what would happen once the engines started and the plane actually started moving. His advice...pray. I did more than just pray...I chatted with Jesus, actually I did a lot more pleading and He just patiently listened. As the plane started moving at speeds no human should really ever go, all prayers ceased, and panic set it. I realized I was in a situation that I was completely out of control of and the thought of my life being in the hands of some pilot I didn't know put the fear of God in me. So, like a rookie traveler, I actually teared up a little. (I refuse to admit I actually cried) Once the plane actually left the ground I realized something. My life wasn't in the hands of the human pilot at all, it was in the hands of the Holy Pilot, Jesus. My husband told me that flying builds faith, and he was absolutely right. Flying is not something I have done frequently, nor do I plan to, but it is another situation like everything else in life that we have zero control over. The one thing in life that we can always control is our faith. Even if we lack faith, we have control over praying to Jesus to help us with our unbelief. So, as I sat there in the plane, a peace overcame me. I was like the father that doubted Jesus with his son. I was concerned that I might not make it back home. I began praying, "...I do believe! Help overcome my unbelief!" And instead of feeling fear, I had faith that God would keep me safe.

"...Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not. O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me. So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this? From childhood," he answered. It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:17-24

Squeezing Blood from the Turnip

2009-05-18T16:46:00.003-05:00

In our current economy, there are thousands, if not millions of families who are struggling financially. Many people have received past due notices, foreclosure notices, and negative bank statements in the mail. Our family has been close several times, but have yet to receive these. So, you can imagine my surprise when I opened my mail last week and had a notice from a company that audits our church claiming that we had not met the amount that we had 'pledged' back when the church started a building fund campaign. I was floored. So, I went into our 2008 tax information to get the statement of giving we received from the church. Total, we gave more to the church than what we had pledged for this campaign, but stopped mid-year writing 2 checks so that they could keep track of what portion was our tithe and what portion was for the campaign. So, apparently what we gave wasn't separated.

Receiving a notice like this from a church is simply not something I can understand. Especially when it is a church who has a brand new worship building, student center, coffee shop, and bell tower, yet not enough funds to pay for it? Why? Because apparently our (and I'm sure we weren't the only ones who received this notice) pledge wasn't met and funds weren't coming in to cover their expenses. At the end of the letter, they asked how much would we be contributing in 2009? None, because we do not intend to continue attending this church. If a church can't take into consideration and have compassion for the economic hardships that their members are enduring, then I think they are completely missing the point. A big beautiful building isn't what makes church, a high tech nice student center doesn't make a church, a coffee shop isn't church, a bell tower certainly doesn't make a church, what makes a church is Christ being the center, and the people coming together to worship Him. "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18:20) I know it is a difficult thing for churches to ask their members for money. It is a touchy subject for most people. I understand that it is a necessity for members to give to the church in order for them to meet their financial obligations, it is even commanded. We are also commanded to not be in debt. This is something that Dave Ramsey has based his financial messages on. "The borrower is a slave to the lender" (Proverbs 22:7) I think it is wrong for a church to send out passive aggressive reminders that members didn't meet their pledges in a campaign that was unnecessary in the first place. I was speaking to a fellow Christian brother about this, and he told me about two other churches that he knows have a strong financial foundation. One has paid for a new building with cash, and another is head of their weekly budget and ahead of their debt repayment and are not sending notices to members that have missed the mark with their pledges. There are many church members that may have not have the funds to be able to give over and above what they tithed to the church, but they were able to give their time. The body giving time to the church is an invaluable asset that is often taken for granted and caused discouragement and discord within the church. When members receive reminder notices that they still owe money to the church, it is an insult, at least it was to me. We are called to be cheerful givers. "Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver." (2 Corinthians 9:7) Will people now give out of necessity or obligation instead of out of kindness and from their heart because of these notices? Are other churches able to stay ahead of debt repayment and meet their weekly budgets because their members are cheerfully giving and not being reminded of what they weren't able to give? I don't know. I only know our families situation and my opinion. I want to be a cheerful giver and I will certainly be praying for this church. I pray that the members do not get discouraged, and that the leadership leads in a manner that glorifies God.

"In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive." Acts 20:35

Communion Tray Etiquette

2009-05-07T17:15:00.002-05:00

I came across this blog http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ and had to share this post called "Communion Tray Etiquette". I typically post pretty serious topics, so I thought I'd change it up a little. Pretty funny, yet true stuff. Enjoy.

If you’d never been to church before and someone handed you a plate of wafers and a spaceship-designed, traveling presentation tray full of juice cups during the middle of service, would that be weird? Would proclaiming that we’re about to eat the body of Christ clear things up? Probably not. You’d be puzzled, maybe even a little sweaty, until someone leaned over and handed you a copy of this book. And then everything would be alright because you’d know the five easy rules of Communion Tray Etiquette:

Rule 1: Always be prepared.The second you realize you’re about to share communion, start scouting out which direction it’s coming from. Watch the back-and-forth, every-other-aisle jump the ushers are doing to determine if it will be passed from your left or your right. Assess the possible handoff skills of the person next to you. Do they appear cagey? Nervous? Old? Remember, they’ll be passing the tray to you with only one hand since their other hand will be holding the cup or the wafer. If you have even an inkling that your pew neighbor won’t execute a perfect handoff, prepare a two-hand reception. Not alligator-style like in God’s favorite sport, Frisbee, but with both hands out gently, as if you’re saying, “Hey fella, that’s OK, you can hand me that tray. It’s in good hands. You’ve done a great job. I’ll take it from here.”

Rule 2: Move it along.The biggest communion tray foul you can commit is to hold the tray too long. You’re essentially causing a pew traffic jam or “PTJ.” While you sit there and tediously make up your mind, you’re signaling to everyone else sitting next to you, “Don’t mind me, I’m just preventing you from partaking in the most tender sacrament of faith. I’m blocking you from the body of Christ.” Aim to receive the tray, make your selection, and pass it to your neighbor in under two seconds. Sound impossible? It’s not if you follow rules three and four…

Rule 3: Practice quick cup selection.I don’t know what kind of tray your church uses for communion, but growing up we used silver dishes with elevated, circular rows of cups. Kind of like the hats that Devo wore in the “Whip It” video. As you look down on all these options, you’re going to be tempted to analyze which one “looks best.” “Which is the fullest? Which one looks like it might spill? If I take a certain cup, can I empty a row like some sort of reverse game of Connect Four? Shoot, someone already took the center cup. That’s my favorite cup! That’s the King cup.” Ignore these thoughts. They’re only going to slow you down and make it look like you’re still deciding how you feel about this whole “Jesus thing.” Grab the first cup you make eye contact with and pass.

Rule 4: Break bread, not your concentration.Chances are the bread or wafer will not be uniform in size. You might be looking at a plate full of wafers broken up into a variety of shapes and girths, or an actual loaf of bread will land in your lap. Do you put the tray down so you can use both bare hands on the loaf? Do you keep the tray in one hand and try to form some kind of eagle claw that can rip a chunk of bread out even though you’re not stabilizing the loaf? How much bread is too much bread? How big a wafer should you choose? Deep breaths, deep breaths. We’re going to get through this together.First and foremost, regardless of what’s on the tray, don’t root around. You’re not digging for buried treasure. As far as bread goes, I’m a fan of using both hands. Place the tray quickly on your lap, use your left hand to gently touch the back of the loaf and then pull a gumball-sized piece of bread off the front of the loaf with your right hand. (If you can fit both butter and jam on the piece of bread you’ve selected, you’ve gone too big and should be ashamed of yourself for hogging Jesus.) Then move on. No regrets about your piece. You got a great piece. It’s a fine piece. Let it go.

Rule 5: Pace yourself with consumption.It’s hard to know when to eat your bread and drink your wine because different churches do communion different ways. So watch the crowd and the minister. Wait until you see a majority of people partaking. And be prepared to pretend you were just scratching your cheek if you go to put the bread in your mouth and realize right before it touches your lips that you were too early.

Ultimately, you might mess up all five of these steps. You might drop the tray on the floor and cause a huge commotion and have everyone stare at you. But I think if you did, God would say the same thing we say at our house when somebody spills: “No big deal.” Because it’s not about the cup or the wafer or the cold the person next to you is inevitably going to give you. It’s about Christ and He tends to live outside of etiquette.

Acupuncture for Sin

2009-05-04T14:21:00.003-05:00

About two months ago I started going to an acupuncturist. Now, I know most people think "whoa, that's weird" and have images of Pinhead from the movie Hellraiser in their mind. But it's really worth trying. I have suffered from migraines for about 10 years and have run the gammit of treatments and pills, none of which have eliminated the problem. So, I decided that instead of being on pills for the rest of my life, that really wouldn't solve the problem I would try something different which is what lead me to go see an acupuncturist. The doctor that I went to see is the most thorough doctor I've ever been too. He ran some allergy tests on me and discovered that my biggest problem was my caffeine & sugar intake. My body sees caffeine as a toxin and sends me into a cycle of problems. I eliminated caffeine from my diet and significantly reduced my sugar intake. And after a few weeks of going to see this doctor, and my new diet, my headaches were completely gone! I felt like a completely different person. It's amazing what pain-free living can do for your overall mental, physical and spiritual health. Then, a few weeks ago I started back on caffeine. Which leads me to why I'm posting today.

Why do we as Christians do stuff we know is bad for us? For me, I wanted something to help with my energy level when exercising, and I knew that headaches could be a possible side effect, but if they came back I would stop taking it. Well, I've stopped, but the headaches are still there. This is so symbolic of how life really works. People get involved in things that they know are wrong, but say to themselves or others "I'll stop when I need to" or "nothing will happen to me", and they set themselves up to deal with the repercussions of sin. Now, did I sin when I started taking caffeine again? No, but it was stupid. And because my headaches are back, my attitude is affected and it is harder to be patient with people, and that can turn into sin. That is how sin works. It's deceptive and although whatever people involve themselves in may not directly be a sin, the consequences could lead them to sin. If you haven't tried acupuncture, it's definitely worth doing. It's natural, and doesn't hurt, and worked wonders for me. I'm back at it again, and this time I'm sticking to what I know works.

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:1-5

Jesus on the Wall

2009-05-01T16:50:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about the image I had of Jesus when I was younger. In my home, we had a picture of Jesus on the wall, one which I'm sure many of you also had. It's the most popular picture of Jesus, and shaped what I thought Jesus looked like, but not necessarily what Jesus was to me. It wasn't hung in my home for any reverence purposes, but rather for decor. Which wasn't much of decor since it was painted in ugly muted browns and yellows, which matched the nicotine stains on our walls. I can remember wondering what Jesus was really like when I would look at this picture. I had heard through the few times that I had gone to church with my grandmother that Jesus was a loving, joyous, wonderful, forgiving father. In the picture itself he looks sad, morose even, peaceful but not happy. The picture never really clued me in at all on what Jesus was really like. It was just Jesus on the wall. Sure, I looked at the picture everyday, but that's about all he was to me. A picture. Sort of like an absentee father, there to look at, but not really there. This is how my father was, so it was very hard for me to accept the idea that a heavenly father loved me, when my own father had a difficult time showing this. It is interesting to me how our image of God is formed. For some it is through going to church and through learning at an early age from parents. For others, it is through learning the hard way. Which is exactly how I learned. Since I viewed God much like an absentee father, it was almost impossible for me to accept the fact that he died for me, and loved me, and would forgive me. It wasn't until I accepted that idea that I needed his love, acceptance and forgiveness that I really began to be open to the idea of a real Jesus instead of the sad Jesus on the wall. I didn't accept Jesus through faith alone....at first. I was brazen enough, while in the midst of sinning to say, "I know I'm playing with fire", but I simply didn't care. For me, Jesus was still moping on my parents wall and didn't want anything to do with someone like me. I'd already been hurt by my earthly father, I certainly wasn't going to open myself up to being hurt by my heavenly father. But then my life came to a point where the Jesus on the wall was my only place to turn. And Jesus showed me that He loved and accepted me through other people, specifically my husband. He showed me that He had been there all along, and that He wasn't the absentee father painted in yellow & brown, and definitely wasn't just hanging on the wall to be walked by and ignored everyday. Instead, he had been painting a picture of himself on the walls of my heart, and this picture was much prettier than the one I had become accustomed to.

Alcoholism Cure?

2009-04-29T08:48:00.000-05:00

I recently came across an article about a pill that is being dubbed a cure for alcoholism. It is supposed to reduce the craving that an alcoholic feels when he or she wants a drink. The #1 issue I have with this idea is that this pill is creating another dependence in the mind of the alcoholic. Addiction is a very complex disease. It has spiritual, emotional, and physical properties. All of which have to be address to help the addict. If a pill is prescribed to help the alcoholic overcome the cravings, what happens when that pill is discontinued? Do the cravings return? And if so, what steps has the alcoholic taken to address these cravings without popping a pill? Which leads me to the #2 reason why I disagree with it. This pill may in fact decrease the desire to drink, but having to take a pill for the rest of your life so that you won't be an active alcoholic isn't working on the root of the disease itself. The desire to stop has to be there in order for anything to help. In rehab centers, occasionally medication is prescribed to help with the withdrawal symptoms that addicts are facing. This I can understand. What I cannot understand or condone is yet another pill used as a crutch for addiction. Back when the anti-depressant boom started, mental health issues began being treated in doctors offices as frequently as the common cold, and anti-depressants began being prescribed as often as antibiotics. Now it is completely out of control. I believe this will happen with this "alcoholism cure". People will view it as a quick fix and stop doing what it takes to really deal the disease itself. In the article I read about this said, "Dr. Kevin Clark says the traditional model -- based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous -- is still best. It is a disease of the brain, but it's a multifaceted disease. It has a spiritual component, a behavioral component to it...Our experience tells us that having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference." I absolutely agree. Therapy will help the addict understand where their disease comes from and why they choose that avenue to cope with their issues. Rehab and 12 step programs help the addict understand how to deal with and overcome their addiction. It isn't until an addict reaches a point of dispair that they are often willing to consider getting help, and even after this point many people still relapse. A pill isn't going to solve this problem. The spiritual component behind addiction is the most important piece. In 12 step programs, steps 2 & 3 encompass this very idea. Step 2 states, "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and Step 3 states " we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". I have absolute faith that anything can be overcome through the power of Christ. Not through a pill, not solely through therapy, not solely through 12 step programs, not solely through the support of friends and family. All of these things are important in the process of recovery (with the exception of the pill), but Christ is the Great Physician and we can do all things through Him who gives us strength.

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."
Jude 1:24-25

Angry Conversations with God

2009-04-27T15:28:00.003-05:00

While I was out doing my Mother's Day shopping, I came across this book, "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan Isaacs. The only reason I picked it up was the title caught my eye. I have had my share of "angry conversations with God", so I was glad to see someone else was not only willing to be honest about their ranting to God , but publish it in a book! So far, it's a really good book. I expect to finish it soon, so I will be posting my review then. Until then, check out the website. http://www.angryconversationswithgod.com/

My Greatest Blessing

2009-04-23T12:53:00.002-05:00

There are many obvious blessings in my life. My house, my job, food on the table every night, my health, my child, the fact that I could continue with this list is a blessing in and of itself. But the biggest blessing that I have in my life is my husband and yesterday he showed yet again, why I am a very lucky woman. He took the time (44 times actually) to write down the exact time that he thought about me, and more specifically think he's a lucky man for being married to me and brought home a card with each of these times written down...simply to say I love you! It seems a bit of an irony that my husband would consider himself lucky to be married to me, when he was the one who lead me to Christ. As far as I can see, that is the biggest blessing anyone can have in their life. To be married to someone who leads you to Christ, and continues to help you on your walk, to help you grow and become better every single day is a blessing beyond words. Love you babe...

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

The Test for True Authenticity

2009-04-21T17:25:00.004-05:00

In the last year, I have come to realize what true authenticity in the church is and is not and how truly unauthentic people in the church can be at times. It has been hugely disappointing and left a bad taste in my mouth. Many churches talk about wanting to have authentic community and being authentic Christians, but it often stops at the discussion point. Being an authentic Christian has to start with placing your full trust in God, and being a trustworthy person. It is demonstrating in your life what Christ has called us to be, and not simply using it as a Bible study or small group discussion. I am not someone who trusts easily. Even if I do begin to show a level of trust, I’ve been known to remain in a state of skepticism waiting for the other shoe of disappointment to drop. I realize this isn’t always the best mindset to be in, and it certainly has caused me personal issues in the past, which is another blog for another time, but it has saved me from being too disappointed in people at times. It is extremely disappointing to me when people who talk about sharing themselves with others, yet stay within their comfort zone and only talk about surface issues. The deeper you are willing to go, the more authentic you are willing to become. Discussing the weather or your job doesn’t help people grow. It doesn’t force you outside of your comfort zone when you fellowship with the same people all of the time. God gave each of us individual gifts and not only does sharing those gifts with other diverse people help them grow; it also helps you. God didn’t intend for us to tread water because when you tread water you don’t move. God’s people are a moving people.

If you have gone to church at any point in your life, you probably realize that there is a wide range of personality types in the church. There are certainly many who are truly authentic, who embrace the idea in every aspect of their lives. However, there are some who are evasive and don’t share with anyone, those who use deceptive means to get information from people, those who smile in your face, yet make you the topic of conversation at prayer groups and Bible studies, those who don’t have much to do with you until the get nosy enough to text or email, and the list goes on. These are all examples of non-authenticity. All of these things are what turn people off from church. I was talking to a fellow Christian sister about authentic Christianity and she made a great point. She said, “Authenticity is shown through being there for someone and showing interest in people all of the time, not just for damage control.” Authentic Christians are what you see is what you get people. There isn’t any hiding behind a smile, there’s not any fear of discussing topics beyond the surface, and they have learned through experience that a transparent life is more valuable to others than to themselves. Now I do believe that some people take the "what you see is what you get” mentality too far. Often being ‘real’ is reduced to simply the desire for others to let you be you. This is a desire that I have had to check in myself before. As a fallen people, accountability isn’t high on most of our priority list. And when we take on an attitude of, "this is me, and if you don't like it too bad, because I'm just being authentic”, we loose the meaning and purpose God intended for us and rely on an excuse to continue on a path that will eventually lead us away from Him. As Christians we should challenge one another to be better, and do so in a loving way. The ‘real’ us is found in following Christ and leading others on that same walk. That is why it is important to use discernment. If you try your best to imitate Christ in your daily walk, then you are on the road to authenticity. Living in the ideal of "take me or leave me", isn't walking the Christian walk, it is walking a selfish walk. The test for true authenticity is when the rubber meets the road and things get uncomfortable, are you still wiling to be transparent, and show some level of discomfort. Because your comfort is found in your relationship with Christ, not in how others view you. Your thoughts?

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 2:1-5

Jesus & The Easter Bunny

2009-04-13T12:28:00.008-05:00

My family & I went to a Good Friday service...on Friday...and it was amazing! There was music, singing, and mourning. Mourning for what Christ went through and remembering that we as sinners put him on the cross. There was a cross at the center of the auditorium and we each took turns nailing a red ribbon to the cross in remembrance of what Jesus did that night. It was a powerful moment.

I have never fully realized the meaning of Easter until this year. Easter has become another commercialized production, of which I have fully participated in over the years. My son is now too old to "hunt for eggs", but when he was younger, the adults would play the part of the magical bunny and hide the eggs while he carried his basket full of that plastic filler that seems to show up on the carpet for weeks after the Easter bunny has hopped back to his hole. We'd stuff ourselves with hollow chocolate bunnies, eat massive amounts of ham, buy corsages for grandma, get dressed up in our new pastel colored outfits, and go to church for a message over the resurrection. It was always a nice time to spend with family and have another excuse to buy new clothes and eat a ton, but somewhere along the line the true meaning of Easter got swept up in bunnies and eggs.

Have we allowed the commercialized version of Easter override it's true meaning?

When I was a kid, my parents didn't go to church so my grandmother would come pick me up and take me with her. It definitely didn't have any meaning to me then, because I really only went when she made me, which was usually on holidays. It's tough to get the meaning of anything when you are forced to go and only a few times a year. As I got older and started attending church regularly, it still didn't hold much meaning to me. Sure, I understood Jesus died on the cross for our sins, but I didn't think about the gravity of that sacrifice and certainly didn't apply it to my own life. This year something was different. When I was nailing that red ribbon to the cross, I felt like I was nailing Christ to the cross. I felt a deep sadness and a strange sense of peace knowing that my sins are paid for by His blood. I've never been to a Good Friday service, but it was a moving experience. Easter Sunday is always a joyous, celebratory time at church, whereas Good Friday was actually quite the opposite. It is a time of mourning and remembrance. Most people don't enjoy thinking about the brutality of what really happened. It doesn't exactly give people the "warm and fuzzies" to think about Jesus being flogged, spit upon, beat, and brutally hung upon a cross to die....for no other reason than me & you.
Easter is not bunnies and eggs, Easter is not just cartoon depictions of Christ on a cross, it is a real event that was done for each and every one of us. It is something to be appreciated and remembered. It is certainly something that has taken on an enormous amount of meaning in my life. He has blessed me more that I could have ever imagined, and given me hope in knowing that he won't remember my sins.

You don't have to sell out the Easter bunny to remember what Christ did for you, just remember that while you are enjoying your marshmallow peeps and cadbury eggs, that they wouldn't taste nearly as sweet if it weren't for the sacrifice that Christ made for your sins.

So....I want to write a book

2009-04-06T16:11:00.002-05:00

People have told me for a while that I should write a book. My life has played out much like an after-school special. That being said, I want to write a book....I'm just not sure how. It seems like a relatively simple thing to get started doing, but I haven't. I am super critical of anything I write especially when it is personal, which is one reason why I find it difficult to write about my life. So, if any of you readers out there have any suggestions on getting started, it would be appreciated. For now, I'm going to jotting ideas on what should fill the pages of my empty book.

Throwing Stones

2009-03-26T14:26:00.002-05:00

Unless you have been living under a rock for a while, you are well aware of the financial crisis going on in America. Recently there have been mobs gathering to lynch the executives of AIG for receiving bonuses. Ok, maybe not lynch, but at least harm their children. Unfortunately I'm not exaggerating. I read an article about the threats that the executives have received due to accepting bonuses. There are several that are explicative laden, so I will leave those for your imagination, but here are a few that have been received via email, letter, or phone call.

-- "I don't hope that bad things happen to the recipients of those bonuses. I really hope that bad things happen to the children and grandchildren of them! Whatever hurts them the most!!"
-- "If the bonuses don't stop, it will be very likely that every CEO @ AIG has a bulls-eye on their backs."
-- "We will hunt you down. Every last penny. We will hunt your children and we will hunt your conscience. We will do whatever we can to get those people getting the bonuses. Give back the money or kill yourselves."
-- "All the executives and their families should be executed with piano wire around their necks my greatest hope."
-- "The Revolution is coming. The family members of your executives are not safe. Your blood will run through the streets in the coming months."

These are some pretty big rocks being thrown. Now, I am certainly not saying that the bonuses were justified, or should have been received, but is it necessary to send threats to these people? Are threats of harming family members, the executives themselves, or encouraging suicide really what greed deserves? Are the people issuing these threats any better than those executives? According to John 8:7 no, they are not. "...If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone..." None of us are without sin, therefore none of us should be sitting in judgement towards AIG. We don't have to agree, we don't have to feel good about it, but we should not hurl threat stones at them either.

"God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed." Ecclesiastes 3:17

Future Gambler or Typical Kid?

2009-03-24T17:07:00.005-05:00

An article titled "Impulsive in kindergarten? Gambling ahead" is on MSNBC today. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29470066/It states, "Children rated as impulsive by their kindergarten teachers appear more likely to begin gambling behaviors like playing cards or placing bets before they hit middle school..." Really? I wonder if these are the same children that are going to be incorrectly labled "ADHD" and prescribed medication that will stunt their emotional development. Give me a break people. I wish I could sit in on the committees that come up with these studies. Although there are obviously some very valuable medical studies out there, there are also plenty that are a ridiculous waste of time. It goes without saying (although I'm saying it here anyway) that when children don't have the proper environment at home, and are left to their own devices, they are going to find a way to cope with life. I have yet to find any person who had a rough childhood that didn't grow up with some sort of dysfunction. The point is, kindergarten kids are supposed to be impulsive and it's up to the parents to "train them in the way they should go, so when they are in middle school they won't turn to gambling".

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

Memory Pill or God Pill?

2009-02-26T13:13:00.003-06:00

Science is now trying to come up with a pill that can erase bad memories. I certainly have my fair share of bad memories, but I honestly can’t say that I would want them erased. There was certainly a time in my life when I wanted them gone, but because I have been able to work through those memories I have come out a better person. We are a society that believes the “easiest route is the best route”, but is it really?

Daniel Sokol, who lectures on medical ethics at St. George's, University of London, said, "I joined a chess club and lost to an eight-year girl," Sokol told Discovery News. "That was absolutely humiliating. I made a blunder, and I tell myself that I'll never make that mistake again. If you eradicate the memory, will the lesson still remain?"

I understand the pain that bad memories can create for someone, so I am not trying to be insensitive to that fact. However, God often uses bad situations and turns them into a lesson for others. There are countless women out there who have been raped who are now counselors for other victims. There are recovered drug addicts who now counsel addicts. There are parents who have lost children who help those who are suffering through the loss of a child. The amount of pain that people go through can often be used to help those who are enduring the same type of pain. If we accept that a new pill will be able to erase these memories then we are possibly doing an injustice to others and ourselves. As long as there is sin in the world, there will continue to be bad memories created. At what point do we say “enough” and learn to deal with our hurts through the healing power of Jesus Christ and not through the simple fix of a memory-erasing pill? I’m sure that this will be another pill whose negative side effects far outweigh its benefits. How would it be possible to erase bad memories and not have some effect on the positive ones? I wouldn’t want to chance it. I know where I can find healing…Jesus Christ.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

3 Years

2009-02-19T11:10:00.003-06:00

February 12th was my 3 year sobriety date. It's been an interesting 3 years. I've learned a lot about myself, my family and life in general. Here are the top 3 things that I have learned in the past 3 years:

#1. I am not in control.
Seems like a pretty simple statement, but not one that very many people realize or accept. Step one in the 12 step program states, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable". It is difficult to admit that we are powerless over anything, but that is the basic step that must be taken on the road to recovery. For most of my adult life, I had to be in control. This was brought on because of how little control I had during my childhood. I had to control what was going on around me, what others thought of me, how others acted towards me, etc. I refused to accept that because I had no control over any of these things, and that I was setting myself up for severe disappointment. There was always going to be someone who didn't like me, there would always be some event that I wasn't happy about, and someone would always find a way to do something outside of what I thought was "right". Because of this, I was in a constant state of unrest and unhappiness. What I have learned is that the only thing I can control is my own actions and behaviors. I can't always control how I feel, but I can control how I act on those feelings. We all have the right to certain feelings, but it is never ok to act out on those feelings in an unhealthy manner. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. Any time that my controlling nature starts to show it's ugly head, God finds a way to show me that He is the One in control. He always has been, it just took me a long time and a lot of pain to find that out. Sometimes God has to allow you to walk through Hell in order to get you to Heaven. And He was always there no matter how hard I tried to outrun him He was there. Sometimes walking beside me, but most times carrying me through the Hell that I created for myself.

#2. Forgiveness is the anecdote to resentment and bitterness.
Resentment is an interesting sin. For a long time, I carried a tremendous amount of resentment towards my parents. This caused me to become a hardened person, which in turn made me bitter. Because I was so bitter, resentment came naturally towards other people, especially those closest to me. Resentment is just like any other sin, whereas once you do it once and hold on to it, it becomes easier to do again. The more resentment I held onto, the more bitter I became. It was a never ending cycle. I began to act out on the resentment that I felt, and my heart grew hard. God gave me plenty of chances to repent of my sins, and it wasn't until one day when God finally said "Enough" and got my attention in a way that was impossible to ignore, was I able to see the damage that I had done to my life. I felt that I had to choice but to repent of all the anger and resentment that I had carried and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness comes with a price. In order to be forgiven we are all called to forgive others. It took a long time for me to finally come to terms with my childhood and what I endured and with other resentment that I was also carrying from my other relationships, but once I did and I let it go I was free. Well, almost. I found that it was easier to forgive other people than it was to forgive myself. The sense of entitlement that I once felt had turned to shame and grief. It took a lot of work and a lot of praying but I was finally able to see myself as the person that God wants me to be. He doesn't want any of His children to hate themselves, or to see themselves in any other light than His children. He paid a price and died for our sins and it is not up to us to hold on to those. He gives us rest. Which leads me to point 3.

#3. However slowly, change does occur.
Change occurs in both negative and positive ways, its just a matter of where your heart is. I changed into a resentful, bitter person. I began to believe that I would always be that person and that it was impossible for me to be any other way. I was doomed to a life of anger and hurt. I didn't realize that my attitude was a sin. I believed IN God, but I didn't BELIEVE God. I didn't believe that what He had to offer was really for someone like me. I felt that I was too far gone and had done too much to really feel His peace ever again. It wasn't until I finally accepted that it was possible that God really did love me that I was able to change in a positive way. The first year I spent in sobriety was primarily spent trying to make up for lost time. I was trying to clean up the mess I'd made of my life, and trying to make things up to my husband. The second year was tough. I had finally overcome the first year hump, only to find that the second year brought one as well. This time it was a matter of working through much of where my pain had really come from and work towards forgiveness, which included forgiving myself. I wasn't really able to fully forgive myself until sometime during the 3rd year. I finally accepted that I had sinned and that God really did love and forgive me. I was able to see this through everything that God had given me. It was difficult for me to simply read in the Bible that God is love and He forgives and accept that it was for me as well. It wasn't until I witnessed his love and forgiveness through my husband and through what God has brought me through that I was truly able to see it and believe it. Once I accepted His forgiveness, I was able to forgive myself. Which brings me to today....

I still have some things to learn, but I believe that my life is completely different than where it was 3 years ago. I could have never believed that life really could be this good, and that it was possible for me to feel love and return it. I don't want to give another second of my life to Satan. I truly believe that I am loved by God, and by my husband. And for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I love myself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Bailouts Gone Wild!!

2009-01-30T16:40:00.003-06:00

In a world where accountability is low and poor decision-making is high, crumbling companies have found an out in government bailouts. From Freddie, Fannie, AIG and the automobile producers bailouts are a common “anti-accountability” form of life preserver. It should be no surprise that companies would start coming out of the woodworks for a free handout, but I was still a little shocked at this request. Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis have requested that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry. Yep, you heard it right, two of the most notorious figures in the adult entertainment industry are asking for a handout, not because they are waiting for their homes to be sold at auction on the courthouse steps, or because they are at risk of loosing their life savings, or even because they can pay their bills, but instead their claim is for “just in case” purposes. With the $5 billion, they would “invest in building new means of distribution, and shoring up our distribution right now to prevent further erosion from factors like Youporn and other Internet content that has seriously affected our business over the past few years,” Francis said in an interview with FOX Business. “We will use the money wisely, and we will create more jobs.” Maybe it's just me, but I don’t think creating more jobs that degrade women, contribute to the destruction of marriage, and numb moral consciousness exactly constitutes a $5 handout, much less a $5 BILLION dollar handout.

It has been said in the past the porn industry is recession proof, because after all, sex sells right? Larry Flynt said, ““People are too depressed to be sexually active. This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.” This may be true in a healthy marriage, sex is vital, but PORN isn’t vital to anyone’s survival. Last time I checked no one died from the lack of pornographic material. The idea of the adult entertainment industry asking to be “bailed out” from lack of video sales point to the real crisis in America. Complete lack of accountability in our nation has brought on a tremendous amount of stress and an enormous economic debt. The mortgage lenders are pointing the finger at greedy Americans living above their means, while those same Americans are calling the mortgage industry “predatory”. Where does accountability begin and irresponsibility end? Just in case anyone is considering taking this seriously, Joe Fransis is about to go to trial for federal tax evasion….ah, the irony.

Shameful Win?

2009-01-26T17:51:00.003-06:00

This story absolutely blows my mind; This coach was asked to apologize for winning a game 100-0 and refused and was later fired. If the coach didn’t play unfairly or cheat, then I really don’t see why he needed to apologize. It was said that the win was “not Christ-like” and was “a shameful and ‘un’ honorable approach to competition”. Really? Winning isn’t honorable? When my son’s basketball team got blown out 48-6, I would have never expected the other coach to apologize and this is 5th grade basketball! Since when did winning, whether by 1 or 100 become a sin? Isn’t that the point of sports? Is to win, and do so with integrity? They have not said whether or not this coach’s firing was a direct result of his refusal to apologize, but it certainly seems that way. I admire the guy for not apologizing simply to appease man. In fact we are commanded to please God and not man. Galatians 1:10 says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Certainly this coach could have apologized and may still have his job. But what then would he be teaching his students? It will not teach them to remain driven, finish what you start, and in everything you do, do with integrity and honor. It would not teach the school they beat anything either. They have an opportunity to build character through this experience and a pity forfeit or win will not do this. I do not believe that we should teach our children to be quitters. Life isn’t sugar coated and we shouldn’t lead our children to believe that it is. Here’s the article in its entirety…what do you think?
http://www.nbcdfw.com/sports/basketball/Coach-Fired-Says-Hes-Not-Sorry-for-100-Point-Win.html

Prayer

2009-01-06T16:41:00.002-06:00

I received a message from my dad today letting me know that one of his good friends has a brain tumor. It really shook me up. I don’t know this friend of his particularly well, but I do know that he isn’t even 40 years old yet, and has a wife and young daughter and has recently been going on fishing trips with my dad. When I spoke to my dad, he asked me “Please reach out to your church friends and ask for prayer, I don’t know anything else to do.”

It is interesting to me that even those who are not frequent church-goers, who don’t really read the Bible, know that prayer is powerful. Has there ever been anything in your life, that you know without a shadow of doubt would not have occurred had it not been for the power of Christ? There definitely has for me, and I believe in His power. I believe that He can heal. I believe in the prayers of His children. So for anyone who may be reading this blog, please say a prayer for the healing of my dad’s friend Kenny. God is listening and prayer is powerful.

"…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).

Yes...She's Human

2008-12-10T09:57:00.001-06:00

I struggled as to whether or not I should write this blog. I don’t normally write anything related to my opinion on celebrity life, but this one got under my skin. Oprah Winfrey’s recent weight gain has made it to a top news story. It’s being published by all news sources as some major late breaking news event. To me, the only late breaking piece of that story is that it proves that she is HUMAN. Yes, she gained weight. But I have to wonder if this was a true weight gain. They are claiming it is a thyroid problem, which may very well be true, but she said in an article that her struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid made her develop a “fear of working out”. She stated that she is “embarrassed” and “mad at herself”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know too many people that wouldn’t be embarrassed at weight gain and be mad at themselves for allowing it to happen. Now, I don’t TIVO Oprah or give much credence to her advice because she has had too many conflicting views over the years. I don’t believe in the idolization of Oprah. She is human, and she is flawed just like the rest of us. I respect her success and would never bash her as a person, but I don’t think her weight gain deserves the media attention it is getting. Her plan for 2009 is to “get back on track”….the same resolution many of us will commit to. What is most disturbing to me is that there are millions of women out there who faithfully watch her show. They will identify with her weight gain, and those who truly do have a thyroid problem will try to fit into the mold called “Oprah”. They will try whatever weight loss program she endorses and may or may not loose the weight. Oprah is one of the wealthiest people in the world, who has unlimited resources at her disposal, unlike the majority of us. We are commanded to not make idols, and I believe this is exactly what Oprah has become. Whatever she endorses, many people buy into and this is dangerous. There is only One Truth…Jesus Christ.

And by the way, you don't think Oprah gained weight just so she could take it off again for ratings and magazine sale’s, do you? We’ll see if she wheelbarrows in another 67lbs of fat onto her show in 2009…my money is on the wheelbarrow.

One Day at a Time

2008-12-10T08:13:00.004-06:00

So, this week I decided to start exercising again. Now the key word there is AGAIN. Now, I will admit that I have never been the most athletic person God created, but I can do a few things here and there when I choose to. Recently I stopped exercising because of some health issues, but even after the issues stopped I managed to sleep in for far too many days instead of getting back on the treadmill. There’s nothing worse (ok that’s an exaggeration, but it feels that way right now) than starting over trying to get in shape. It’s a weird combination of “Yay! I’m back to working out! Weight loss here I come!” and “I’m a complete looser that I can’t run longer than 5 minutes without a cramp!”. I really have never been one of those people that enjoy exercising. I see it as a chore with future benefits. I have said so many times after day one of exercising, “I’m never going to stop again, getting started is so much harder!” And what happens? I stop for one reason or another. Just like with most things in life, it takes much more work to do something positive, than to quit, or give up. Quitting is always easier than starting something new because the amount of work it takes to quit is very little; the amount of work it takes to maintain something (a healthy body, a marriage, a friendship, a job) is not easy. I’ve been thinking about my complete lack of discipline in my life. I have found that I have never regretted sticking something out. I’ve never regretted working hard. I’ve never looked back and wished that I hadn’t tried as hard as I did at one thing or another. But I have regretted quitting; I have regretting taking the easy road…because the easy road has always lead to a more difficult path. And I am travel weary.

The easy roads of marriage lead to difficult paths of resentment and pain. The easy roads of friendship lead to acquaintances. The easy road of not taking care of yourself lead to a difficult

path of poor health. Life is a domino effect. Everything crumbles if you don’t do the continual work to maintain it. For me, my self- discipline is lacking in most areas because I have an overriding fear of failure. It is something I battle everyday. I realize that not trying and not failing is a greater failure than trying and failing, however, sometimes that is a difficult thing to do. I am not a task-oriented person; I am a feeler. And if something doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it. This is not Christ-like, it is of the flesh, and I know this. I know that Christ has a higher expectation for me than for me to sit back and coast. I can’t coast my way into a better body, I can’t coast my way into a better relationship with my husband, I can’t coast my way into a successful career and I can’t coast my way into a strong relationship with Christ. The best thing I know to do at this point in my life is take it, as they say in 12-step programs, “One Day at a Time”. Recommitting (or Committing period) to a self-disciplined life is not something that can be done over night, especially for a non-task oriented person. But, I know that I can commit to waking up everyday and making a choice to be self-disciplined that day. I know that I’ve exercised the past 2 days, and I will wake up tomorrow and do it again. I know that today I haven’t snapped at my husband, and tomorrow I will try to do it again. I know that today I was efficient at work and tomorrow I can do it again. I know that I can do things one day at a time with His help…because He knows I cannot do it alone.

So Today I’m back in the proverbial saddle, ready to take things one day at a time.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12"1-3

Text Message

2008-10-21T11:01:00.002-05:00

My mother has finally figured out how to text. I have been periodically sending her text messages along with leaving her voice mail in hopes that she may return one of them. Finally yesterday, I received a text from her that simply said, “I love you…mom”. Although I should have been happy, my first response was shock; so much so that I actually texted my dad to ask if he had sent it pretending to be my mom to make me happy. He said no, that she had figured out how the other night. So throughout the day, I received a few more from my mother, nothing too overstated. And then last night, she actually made me cry with one text that she sent. It was a song that she used to sing to me when I was little. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know babe how much I love you…”. I have been praying for my mothers healing for a while and that our relationship would heal as well. Written communication is easier than verbal (at least for my family it is) so for now, I will settle for text messages. Most importantly I will continue to pray that, “…the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were” (Rom. 4:17) would give life to my mother’s spirit and call her to a renewal that she has never known.

Down the Path of Most Resistance

2008-10-20T16:02:00.002-05:00

In Matthew 10:34-39 it says, “Do not think that I came to bring peace to the earth. I didn't come to bring peace. I came to bring a sword. I have come to turn 'sons against their fathers. Daughters will refuse to obey their mothers. Daughters-in-law will be against their mothers-in-law. A man's enemies will be the members of his own family. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And anyone who does not pick up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. If anyone finds his life, he will lose it. If anyone loses his life because of me, he will find it.”

This is the same scripture that I used in my previous post. My parents, specifically my mother have been on my mind a lot lately. I wouldn’t necessarily say that my relationship, or lack thereof rather, is something that I am “dealing” with, because in reality it’s not. I am not “dealing” with the pain that over 3 months of not talking to her has caused, I am not dealing with all of the issues that remain from my childhood. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have thought for a long time that I was “dealing” with it, but the manner in which I chose to deal with things, isn’t healthy or effective. When you sweep feelings or situations under a carpet, they don’t go away they are just hidden. When you stand in front of a door and refuse to open it because you are fearful of what lies behind the door, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Denial is the enemy of accountability, and pride is a hindrance to healing. When you deny that something is there, then it becomes impossible to be accountable for the actions you take because of the “non-existent” situation. Just like with me, I often think that how I act is appropriate because to me it is normal. I would not have normally considered myself to be a prideful person, but that is because I have considered pride to come in one package, when in reality pride comes in many forms. The one package that pride is obvious in is, when a person believes they are right, they believe they are perfect, which is arrogant pride. Instead for me, I WANT to be right, I want to be needed and ‘picked’ for everybody’s team because this makes me happy. Most people want to be needed and accepted but when the need for this acceptance drives everything you do, it becomes selfish pride. My pride is like one of those blowfish. As long as I am being told I’m needed, I’m loved, and everybody wants me on their team, I stay puffed up. But as soon as one person tells me I’m wrong, or gets angry with me, I deflate. My self- esteem is based on other’s opinion of me. Although I know better, I believe that I have to be perfect in EVERYTHING and to EVERYBODY. This desire for perfection has driven me deep into the well of disappointment. My pride has put up a barrier on my pathway towards peace. It is an impossible task, but one that I try to take on everyday. I have given lip service to Christ for a while now; so much so that my mouth is dry, along with my spirit. It is very easy to say, “ok God, my pride is yours, I give it up, I know I am not perfect and all of the burdens are yours now, it’s become much to heavy for me”…but will I really follow my words? I will jump on the merry-go-round of life and smile but continue to see the exact same thing each time around. Change doesn’t come unless we learn to be accountable and put our pride aside. It has to start with me with what to some people may seem very elementary. I have to say to myself, “it’s ok to be wrong, it’s ok to not be perfect”. Seems silly even as I type this, it seems so easy. It is so ingrained within me that sometimes I don’t recognize I do it.

I had an interesting conversation this morning that made me start thinking about all of this. It was about my son’s birthday and the amount of presents I wanted to get him. Now, I will admit I generally don’t look at the whole picture when it comes to certain things, and what my son was going to be getting from other people was going to be a lot by any standards. But, nonetheless, I felt like we needed to get him more. This was the same thing that happened on my birthdays. Although my childhood was less than perfect, my birthdays were always really good. Something was pointed out to me today, that my gut reaction was to say, ‘no you are wrong’. I was told that my parents overcompensated for their lack of parenting skills on my birthday, just so that one day would be special even though the rest of the 364 days weren’t so stellar…and I am doing the very same thing. Now, I know that I provide a better environment than my parents did for my son, but some of the same attitudes that my mother showed me, I all too often show to my son, so I always live with a guilt complex. In the verse above, it says, ‘A man's enemies will be the members of his own family. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me’. If anyone ever asked me if I loved anyone in my family more than Christ, it would be an automatic NO! However, the key word there is “automatic”. It is a gut reaction to say, ‘no Christ is the love of my life, and He is first in all that I do’. It is easy to give the Sunday school version of “Jesus is my friend, and I turn to Him for all my needs” But when the rubber meets the road, is Jesus your spare tire or your steering wheel? It sounds bad to be honest. It sounds bad to say, “No, I really do strive for worldly approval and not so much from God.” Or when things go wrong or I need help I call out to God. This is also a part of my faith that I have struggled with the most. I can hear people tell me they need me, love me, thank me, and tell me I’m great. I can feel a pat on the back. I cannot see, hear or touch God; at least not physically. I can read the Bible, and feel good briefly, but when I get into an argument with my husband and have to admit I’m wrong, or something goes wrong at work and I have to meet with my boss, does my faith reflect what I read? I believe that I love Christ more than anything, but my actions don’t always show it. I long for the approval that I never received as a child. I want my husband, my son, my parents, my employer, everyone to accept and love me. I know that this is not only an unrealistic expectation, but it is also very unhealthy and only sets me up for failure. I don’t wish to make enemies of my family members, but the ironic part is that through my trying to get approval I have certainly caused turmoil. Because I choose to take the path of most resistance, I often feel as though I am walking through cement. Stuck in a proverbial ditch moving nowhere. I have a lot of things that I need to loose that I hold tight to as my life source. I believe that I can gain a better life through putting my pride aside and putting Christ as my #1 “approver”.

“She’s out of pain pills, so she’s down in a well. Tell me what to do?”

2008-10-20T10:59:00.007-05:00

This is a text that I received from my father about my mother on Tuesday. I decided to title this blog this way, because single text from my dad speaks volumes about my relationship with my parents, their relationship with each other, and their relationship with Christ. My mother had back surgery over a year ago, and has required pain medication since then. Her requirements now are probably more for mental relief rather than physical, so she tends to run out before she should. I asked my father what he meant when he said, “she’s down in a well”, and he said that she was depressed. So here you have my mother who is depressed, my father who is fed up and doesn’t know what to do, and me who is caught in the middle. Realistically, these are positions that my family and I have always been in. In one of my previous posts, I said that I tend to take God out of the equation when dealing with my parents. Something hit me that day that I received the text, something that I have known but never really gave much thought to. I realized that both of my parents rely on worldly sources for help and to make them happy, and I do the very same thing. My mother is currently relying on pain pills and alcohol and stays completely within herself, and although my father has given up his vices for comfort, he still doesn’t reach to God for help, which causes him to be at a loss in these situations. And as for me, I have seen the light, I have seen the cure, and yet I still doubt. I still doubt that I can be better than my parents, I still doubt that God can bring me completely out of my well, and I still doubt that I AM who God says that I am. I know that my parents need to come to Christ, but I am still hesitant to bring up the topic to either one of them, especially my father. My mother still has yet to call me after over 3 months of no communication, but I do still send her messages that have some sort of God centered message in them, but I know this isn’t enough. I’ve been and done so much unhealthy for so long for my parents, that this task seems impossible. My father wants me to tell him what to do about my mother, and instead of offering Christian counsel I go into crisis mode. I go into the what, when, why, how-to’s of how to fix the problem.

In Matthew 10:34-39 it says, “Do not think that I came to bring peace to the earth. I didn't come to bring peace. I came to bring a sword. I have come to turn 'sons against their fathers. Daughters will refuse to obey their mothers. Daughters-in-law will be against their mothers-in-law. A man's enemies will be the members of his own family. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And anyone who does not pick up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. If anyone finds his life, he will lose it. If anyone loses his life because of me, he will find it.”

These are some tough verses. These verses almost seem like a contradiction to Christ “Prince of Peace” title. I believe that Christ is truly the ‘Prince of Peace’, and His peace is available for anyone who takes hold of it. However, many people refuse this peace, and refuse His word because they are self-reliant and unbelieving. My parents have chosen to rely on other sources for peace or happiness and because of this, they have only found trepidation and disconnect with God. Because I am fearful to bring up my relationship with Christ to my parents, let alone helping them finding their own, what example am I leading? Is keeping my faith to myself the same as denying Christ ‘before men’? It is time for me to gut-check my parents and tell them where they can truly find their answers and take the risk of them possible becoming my “enemy” simply because I shared my faith. I believe that my mother has already distanced herself from me because of this. She has asked me before how I am different and how I overcame some of the obstacles I have faced. I can’t speak for my mother but I do know that once I came back to Christ our relationship changed. It is a daily struggle to come out of my parent’s shadow, but each day I pray for courage.

Believing God, Imperfect Faith, and Impatience

2008-09-23T17:19:00.001-05:00

It’s hard to put together a title for a blog that is over Genesis 15-25:11, because of the various topics that are important in those chapters. But, if I had to sum up all of those chapters into one title, this would be it. In Genesis 15:6 it says, “"Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness." What does this mean? I think that the key phrase in this passage is "believed the Lord". Many people believe IN the Lord, but believing Him is an entirely different thing. Because Abraham believed God, and believed in His promise, God credited Abraham righteousness. This was a gift, not something that Abraham earned. This gift was given because Abraham believed that God would do something for him that he could not do for himself. In Romans 1:17 it says, "…the righteous will live by faith". Abraham did this by believing in God's promise, and God credited him righteousness, which he did through grace. Abraham's faith was fulfilled by believing God, not simply believing IN God. This is the most difficult thing for me to do sometimes. What I find interesting is that Abraham did not live out his faith perfectly. Abraham was impatient (he didn't wait for God's promise about having children); Abraham lied about Sarai being his sister. His faith was not perfect, but God still credited him righteous, which shows believers today the power of His grace.

Now, all this being said, it is so much easier for me to give advice than to take it. Sometimes I don't even believe my own hype. I am one of those who believes IN God and for the most part believe what HE says...with one exception...when it comes to things HE says about me. Now, the rational side of me, and the side that knows better says, "who are you to put yourself in your own category? Why would God single you out individually and make it so that you can't be forgiven, or changed, or mended, or happy?" If another person told me the EXACT same thing about themselves, that they "are broken and can't be fixed" I would tell them "God is good...God is great...and He can do anything"...but telling and applying are two completely different things. The emotional, irrational side of me says, "I have all these emotional hang-ups, so many problems, have done so many things. I have been given so many chances, and yet I still don’t believe? I still think that I can't get through this??" It's a completely backwards way of thinking. I think that "why can't God make it easier for me to believe? (Emotional)" "God has made it easy...look at all you have...you just have to choose (rational)" It is a constant battle in my head. Take for instance counseling. I have been to counseling many time, and I know that if I just BELIEVED that counseling would help vs. believing that it is one big waste of time and I can't be helped that maybe it would actually help. If I stuck to what the counselor told me to do then it would help. Counseling is a bit like getting an antibiotic from a Dr. Once you start feeling better, you stop taking the antibiotic...when they doctor (and the prescription label) clearly says "Take all until finished". Maybe counseling will be a lifelong thing, I will have to "take all until finished"...I have to keep running the race, which Christ has set out for me. Problem is, sometimes I don't know which race I'm running, or I don't believe the goal is really for me. If I didn't have this battle of emotional vs. rational in my head it would be easier. I guess a better way of putting it is God vs. Satan. It goes on so much I feel it physically. So all this being said, am I unrighteous because my opinion about myself affects my faith? Is my faith too "imperfect"?

There are two women in these chapters of Genesis that really stand out and I am able to easily relate to. Both Sarah (Abraham’s wife) and Lot’s wife were a lot alike. They were both impatient and looked to the past. Lot's wife was impatient because she couldn't simply wait until they got to where they were going; she had to "break the rules". Obviously she looked at the past, hence her pillar of salt instance. Sarah was obviously impatient because she didn't wait for God's promise to be fulfilled. She lived in the past also because she remembered all the times she wasn't able to get pregnant...instead of what she had promised for the future. Sarah was an impatient woman and she didn't wait for God's promise to be fulfilled. Her impatience turned into unbelief. Because of her impatience and her own human desires, found a way for Abraham to have a child through Hagar. Sarah did not pray about this decision before she did it and the results of this human mistake were family strife, chaos, jealousy and hatred. Often times, I find myself being impatient about things in my life. Because I often act on impulse and don't pray (or think) about my decisions, I find myself in "self created" chaos.

Lot's wife is an interesting character. Although not much is said about her, there is a lot that can be learned from her. She comes into the story and she goes out with a bang. The punishment of being turned into a pillar of salt seems a bit severe, but necessary. In Luke 17:32, Christ warns "remember Lots wife…whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it" It doesn't say in the scripture why she turned around. It could have been for various reasons: curiosity, fear, not wanting to leave things she loved behind. I believe that she didn't just turn around out of curiosity. I think that she did it because she didn't want to leave her things she knew behind. God provided a way of escape for her, just like He has for me. Before her lay a life and hope, behind her death and destruction. My life has been very similar. I have not only looked back to the past, but have lived my life in the past for a long time. I know that God has promised me a life of hope, but I often choose a life of destruction because it is comfortable and what I know. We are warned several times in the New Testament about living life now and not in the past. In Philippians 3:13-14 it says, "…forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead…I press on" It seems like a simple idea, forget the pain, leave the destruction, move ahead to a life of hope and promise. But it is like the analogy of driving while looking in the rear view mirror, eventually if you do this long enough you are going to crash…or turn into a pillar of salt.

72

2008-09-18T14:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I wrote a blog about how it has been 72 days since I last spoke to my mother. I did post the blog, and soon afterward it was brought to my attention how different this particular blog was... For various reasons I decided to remove the blog, and try a different approach. Like I said, it has been 72 days since I last spoke to my mother. This has become a common thing between she and I. I try to call her, but she won't return my calls. I don't know why, and no matter how hard I try to act like it doesn't bother me it does. My mother is an alcoholic, and suffers from depression. I could make a thousands excuses for her, but why? Instead I have to learn to deal with it and accept something that I simply cannot change or understand. This is something that seems almost impossible for me to do in most circumstances. I often believe, 'if I can understand it, then I should be able to change it…if I can change it then I should understand it'. But I've learned that sometimes we just simply aren't going to understand certain things, not everything is rational, and we certainly aren't in control of changing EVERYTHING. When it was brought to my attention that my previous post had no mention of God, faith, or spirituality in it, my response was "I just don't feel spiritual when discussing my parents or things from my childhood". In that single statement, Satan had me. He and his minions were smiling with evil delight. They know that if they can just keep me from including God in my past then I will never recover from it. I would have completely dismissed it, kept the blog posted, and changed the way I wrote if I didn't know that the idea that I separate God and my childhood was completely wrong. To separate God from ANY area of my life is part of the spiritual war that continues in my life today. I walk away from Him; He doesn't walk away from me. I say, 'no worries God, I've got this one, you can sit the bench this time', but He says, 'No, you are tired and weary. You are a dehydrated from lack of spiritual water…let me carry you'. But I fight, and I fight to go at it alone. Although my childhood is behind me, some people may think that I should be past it, I shouldn't act out of my childhood pain anymore. I live in my past because I still try to deal with it alone, when it was never meant for me to 'deal' with anything alone. There have been many times where I have prayed for it to just go away, for God to lift up his Holy carpet so that I can sweep it under it, but I still continue to hold onto it. I have always been very guarded with my past and how it affects me. It seems crazy, but I have also tried to guard myself from God. I have associated those who should have protected me and loved me with failure. Therefore, since I know that God is supposed to protect and love me I am afraid of that failure also. Part of the spiritual war that we are all in the middle of is the battle between rational and emotional. Rationally I know that God will provide, God will love, God will protect, and God will save. But emotionally I am afraid. Fear triggers Satan to whisper, "you aren't good enough, you can't be saved, you can't be forgiven, and you will suffer forever". So it's a battle. My armor is weak because it's been sitting in a storage shed getting rusty and old. It needs to be oiled and polished. It's been sitting under a pile of baggage that I have continued to add things to for years. So even though I am afraid, even though I doubt, even though going at it alone seems the way to go sometimes, I know what HE has told me… "Peace I leave with you, May my peace as I give unto you; not as the world gives, do I give you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful" (John 14:27)

In the most unlikely places...

2008-07-31T17:17:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I fell off the map again. It’s been over a month since I last posted, and I really could name a thousand excuses as to why I’ve gone AWOL, but none of them are very good. But in the time that I’ve been out of the blogosphere, I have begun a new chapter in my life, one that I hope becomes a blessing to others, because in just a short amount of time it has blessed me immensely.

Three weeks ago I began going to an apartment ministry in Mesquite, TX. This church was started a little over a year ago for the residents in a low-income apartment complex and on Wednesday nights they have Bible classes for the children and teenagers of the group. All of these teenagers come from very unhealthy backgrounds. Most of them come from single parent households, some from households where drug and alcohol abuse are an everyday occurrence and where Christ is rarely mentioned. I have a heart for these kids, especially the girls, because I grew up in very similar circumstances to most of them. The first night that I went they went to visit a new church building where they would be able to meet on Sundays for church. This church building was a big step up from where they have been regularly meeting, but still needs a lot of TLC. The beautiful thing about it is, they were all so excited about being able to fix up the building themselves, they saw this building as an opportunity rather than a hindrance to their worship. We sat in the auditorium and sang a few songs, discussed future plans for the church and prayed…all without any air conditioning on (and if you know anything about Texas summers, you will know that is a bad thing). But in this hot auditorium, where teenagers from varying backgrounds, and teachers who have a love for these kids gathered, Jesus was there. Last night we took the kids to a Texas Rangers baseball game. I’m not a huge baseball fan, but being there with these kids made it so worth it. A few of them confessed to me that they were only there so that they could get away from their house for a little while. We smiled, we laughed, we cheered, and before we got back into our cars to head home we circled around together in a packed parking lot and we prayed…and Jesus was there.

I think that most people feel that God is present at church and at certain points in their lives, but do we really believe that He is always present no matter where you are? I know that for me there have been times in my life where I tried to push God out because I didn’t want Him to be aware of my sin. (It even sounds silly to me as I type it) I have learned that even in the darkest of places He is there, we just have to look for him. In these small, run down apartments many people wouldn’t immediately think “I feel God in this place”, but lining the windows in the apartments where the church is held, is the name “Jesus” on various posters, signs, and drawings. On the faces of the teenagers, children and adults is Jesus. He is there, always watching, always loving, and it is a Beautiful thing.

Cheese to My Macaroni

2008-06-24T17:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been much better at expressing myself in written word instead of verbally. It makes for a good writer, but a poor partner in any relationship. Because my husband has developed an uncanny ability to know exactly what I need to either feel better from a bad day, or what the best decision may be in any given event, or how to guide me through certain situations, I have grown to assume that he must have become a mind reader as well. But alas, mind reading is one of the few superhero powers that he does not have.

It is usually in a light-hearted way that I refer to him as a superhero, but deep down I mean it. Not in the sense of the ‘movie’ type or comic book, but in the way that he impacts me in my life. Your typical Superman, Spiderman, Hulk superheroes are all invincible, they all have some sort of super strength and invulnerability that has given them the name “superhero”. Kids love it, and part of us as adults do too because those comic book characters who seem so strong and invulnerable also seem to possess more of the heroic traits of courage and heroism. And yet, how tough can it really be to act brave and courageous when you are pretty much invulnerable? It has been through watching my husband through conflict, through trials, and through suffering that I have realized what true strength really is.

For years I had a very backwards view of what strength was. I didn’t understand why or how my husband could have so much contentment and peace during the trials that he has endured. I came to a point of jealous envy and wanted what he had so badly, I too wanted to be invulnerable. It wasn’t until God broke me down that I was able to see that it wasn’t invulnerability that gave my husband his strength, but vulnerability and his faith in Christ. It was at this point that I began quietly watching and learning who my husband really was. I realized that his bravery and courage came from his vulnerability and that completely blew my mind. I would have never put myself out there to be hurt that way. To this day, I don’t. My faith is still growing. I admire that trait in him immensely. He is a fascinating person to me because most of the people that I grew up around waited for others to comfort them, waited for the right word of encouragement, and if that never came in the form of another person, then they would stay withdrawn within themselves. Everyone I have ever known relied on others for their own ability to be happy. And people will always fail other people. My husband does not rely on other people to make him happy and circumstances don’t determine his life, which is why he has such a joyful spirit. His happiness comes from his security and faith in Christ. I also know that God is the lifter of his head in times of difficulty and sadness. And there have been many, many times when Christ has worked through him and he has been the lifter of my head. It is a beautiful thing to witness and have a part of my life and to learn from.

Because I am so proud of who my husband is, who is has become and who he is to our family, there are times where Satan attacks with thoughts of doubts about whether or not I am a good enough wife for him. They are the same doubts that have plagued me for so long. No you are not wanted, no one wants you, no one will really fight for you But as my faith has grown and as my eyes have been opened to who the man is I am married to I realize that God has given me someone that will fight for me, that will protect me, that will pursue me, and that will love me and for me to question that is really an insult to God and to my husband. God chose me to be his ezer kenegdo, his helper, and to never leave him feeling alone. I have not always done the best job at being the best corner man (woman) in our marriage. At best I have been the cut man (woman) and cleaned up the damage incurred during the battle. He however, is always there, always coaching, always guiding, always loving.

I have learned many things from him. True strength is in weakness and not in invulnerability. It is in the self-sacrificing nature of loving another person before yourself. I know that he loves me because that’s what he wants to do, and what he has committed to do. He has taught me that it is ok to bleed during the battle because we don’t have to heal our own wounds. He has taught me this by being a knight that has fought for me and he has certainly bled for me, but has turned those wounds over to Christ for His healing power. I cry for the wounds he has taken and continues to take for himself and for our family. He takes his role as head of our home seriously and I appreciate and respect that.

I will continue to quietly watch him and learn from him daily, but will do a better job at not assuming he will be reading my mind and simply tell him how wonderful I think he is. I will not just tell him that he is wonderful but also that he is appreciated, and not alone. I will be his corner (wo)man and we will fight the battle together.

And in the words of the movie Juno, “as far as [husbands] go mine is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni”.

Honor God with Your Work

2008-06-06T17:03:00.003-05:00

I read an interesting article today by Max Lucado about honoring God with your work. My job, and especially my growing irritation and bitterness towards it, is not something that I really consider particularly easy to honor God with. I know that if I changed my mindset, then my attitude towards my job may change. I view my job as a means to an end, a way to pay the bills, and ultimately, a huge stress. We are called to imitate Christ in all aspects of our lives, our careers included. Because so much of our time is spent with working, shouldn’t we use those hours to honor God and not to let those hours bring us down?

Here is part of what the article said, “Whether you log on or lace up for the day, you imitate God. Jehovah himself worked for the first six days of creation. Jesus said, “My Father never stops working, and so I keep working, too” (John 5:17 NCV). Your career consumes half of your lifetime. Shouldn’t it broadcast God? Don’t those forty to sixty hours a week belong to him as well?” I know that for me, when the alarm clock goes off at what seems to be an ungodly hour of the morning and I complain about how sleepy I am, and my first thought is about how much I don’t want to go to work…I am already off on the wrong foot. My first thought at the first sound of the alarm should be… “Thank you God for blessing me with this job, and please allow me to use this job to further your kingdom” It’s never too late to start.

Stress...The Proverbial Monkey on my back

2008-06-04T08:19:00.002-05:00

As you can see, I haven’t written in well over a month. This hasn’t been for a lack of trying. I have sat down many times and have had things written but they have all ended up in the recycle bin. My creative juices have been sucked into the stress vortex of life. So, instead of trying to come up with another thing to write about that would join the other long lost blogs in my recycle bin I would write what’s truly been ailing me. I’d like to believe that I am pretty good at brushing things under the carpet and not letting things affect me, which is where I think I’ve kept a pretty good handle on my level of stress…ignore it and eventually that monkey will go away. When in reality I’ve come to realize that by ignoring it, I feed it and that monkey grows into a big looming creature that beats me down. To put it another way, the little gnat that I’ve been swatting away has become a buzzard that is feeding on my soul. I feed my level of stress by constantly being on the go, constantly spinning the proverbial wheel. I do get plenty of sleep, which is more than what most people can say, but I never rest. If it isn’t work that I am spending 50 hours at a week, then it’s trying to fit hours in at home (totally backwards), or wrestling with my own constant worry in my brain that never allows rest even when time might allow it. So, what then is the answer?

Matthew 11:28-30 "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."

Choose to Change

2008-04-11T11:25:00.002-05:00

Looking back through my life there have been many times where I would say I was going to change, but never did. I truly believed that I wanted to change, that no rational person could possibly want to be as miserable as I was, but I could not make myself do it. I was completely unable to change my thoughts, change my actions, or change my feelings. However, over time the only thing that I realized I couldn’t change was my past, but I could change how my future would be. I fought for years to change myself, completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t able to change anything about myself on my own. The ideal that I was responsible for changing myself alone was what held me back for so long. It was never supposed to be my responsibility to begin with. It was, however, my responsibility to make a choice to change. I finally knew that I wasn’t alone in the world; I certainly wasn’t important enough to think that God would single me out and not allow change to occur in my life. I am His child, just as we all are.
No matter what the circumstance is, change occurs in our lives when we change our thinking. Our mind is the battlefield where the war with the enemy is either won or lost. And it is not a fair fight. Satan will attack us with all that he has, but God will overcome all our attacks. “For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world-- our faith”. (1 John 5:4) Change is inevitable, either those around us will change or we can change. And it isn’t until we change our thinking that we can find true victory over the strongholds of depression, anxiety, anger, and many others. The Truth can and will set us free.

Prioritizing Life

2008-03-26T14:08:00.003-05:00

So as you can see, I haven’t blogged in almost 2 months. I’ve been busy, with work, with stress, with all the (in the grand scheme) unimportant things in life. Not to say that work is by any means, unimportant, but when it is high on your priority list and takes precedence over time with family and Spiritual growth then it becomes meaningless. I have however, learned some thing about myself through this process. The most significant thing is that my priorities were not what they should have been. Trying to find balance in your life isn’t easy when you are focused on the wrong things. In all His wisdom and grace, God is the Master at meeting you where you are and finding the most impactful way to get our attention. For me, it was showing me that my priorities were way out of order by allowing me to work a 70-hour work week to realize how much I truly enjoyed being with my family. As silly as it is, this is often the way I learn the best lessons…the hard way. If I didn’t learn anything the hard way, I probably wouldn’t learn anything at all.

I’ve realized that life really doesn’t have to be this chaotic, this out of order and unfocused, this completely wrong. When you do the same things over and over and expect something different to happen each time, you are by definition insane. You know that little worn path in your carpet that has been put there by constantly walking the same direction when you walk about your home, a/k/a a rut? This is the same thing that happens in our lives when we constantly do the same things over and over and do nothing to change. We get in a rut spiritually, relationally, emotionally, and mentally. We walk ourselves into a rut instead of into the freedom of Christ. Slowly but surely God will lead us out of our ruts IF we ask for help. He still hasn’t shown me exactly what His plan for me is, but as long as I hold onto His hand He will take me there step by step.

“Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth” Psalm 86:11

Paying back to others what has been given to us...

2008-01-26T15:08:00.000-06:00

I received this in an email, and thought it would make for an interesting post...enjoy and be blessed!

A few years ago a group of Salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be Home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In Their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen Inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of Apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking Back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their Nearly missed boarding. ALL BUT ONE! He paused, took a deep breath, got in Touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of Compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been Overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, Told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their Home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then He returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the Terminal floor. He was glad he did. The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, Tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at The same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the Crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care For her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, Put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As He did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered And bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the Girl, "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?" She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we Didn't spoil your day too badly." As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl Called out to him, "Mister...." He paused and turned to look back Into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?" He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he Made his way to catch the later flight with that question Burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?" Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the Difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He Would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and Going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds Day to day. You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been Bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up On a hill called Calvary And paid in full for our damaged fruit. Sometimes we just take things for granted, When we really need to be sharing what we know...

Mirror of Relationships

2008-01-23T17:22:00.000-06:00

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

- Carl Jung

There have been many times in my relationships with others that I have found this quote to be true. This is the basic idea called “the mirror of relationships”. This idea comes down to seeing what we don’t like about ourselves in another person, and the unwillingness to accept that this is part of who we are. It is difficult to accept the intolerable parts of ourselves without projecting those parts onto others as part of their flaws. When we are angry with someone or irritated at him or her, we don’t want to see them as a “mirror” and accept that this emotion is telling us something about ourselves. By attributing these traits that we do not like about ourselves onto whomever we are in a relationship with, we take the responsibility of these emotions off of ourselves.

Once I realized this idea, I was able to come to a place of forgiveness for those whom I was angry with. I became more accepting of others faults, because I realized that many of the things that I didn’t like about those I was angry with were the very same traits that I hated about myself.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7

The Rolling Waves of Predictability, The Flowing River of Life

2008-01-18T12:10:00.000-06:00

Why doesn’t God allow us to lead a predicable life? This is of course a rhetorical question, but one that I have pondered over many times. I want a structured, stable, predicable life. But, as usual, God’s will isn’t in line with my own. I have found that throughout various stages of my life, that God has allowed me to suffer through “trial by fire”, many through my own making, because I am being refined. And even though I know that He is always there, I still fight the temptation to want to control my own life and create my own stability and find my comfort in human form. For me, the fear of unpredictability is the fear of losing control. But what control do I, we, ever really have to begin with? It is the idea that we have created in our own minds and a seed of deception that Satan plants within us. Many of us are afraid of extremes; we are afraid of chance and afraid of risk. But many times, with risk comes reward. As Christians, we have to take risks on leaps of faith. Our patterns of thinking sometimes don’t leave room for the Spirit of God to flow. If we resist the things that we perceive as uncomfortable, then we may be resisting the initial push that God is trying to create within in us to get us out of our comfort zones and into the delights and comforts of the River of Life that HE has given and away from the rolling waves of predictability.

One thing is certain, LIFE IS NOT PREDICTABLE, BUT GOD IS CONSISTENT. “For I am the Lord, I do not change” Malachi 3:6 He may not always answer prayers in the manner to which WE want, but He knows what is best for us, and He answers them according to His plan for our lives. God has taken some ordinary people in the Bible through some extraordinary and trying experiences and turned them into incredible leaders, simply because they believed in what HE was doing. This is difficult for many people to do today, including myself. Amidst all the changes that occur in our own lives and in the word, He is a never-changing God in an ever-changing world.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." - Hebrews 13:8

Celebrity Rehab

2008-01-15T07:56:00.000-06:00

Celebrities in rehab; it has become a common mockery of a real problem that millions of people face today, addiction. There is a new “reality” show called, “Celebrity Rehab”, that I found disappointing to put it mildly. It was rather difficult to watch, and ultimately very sad. Here’s a partial description from what the producers tell about the show,

“'Celebrity Rehab' is the first television series to chronicle the dramatic, unscripted real life experiences of a group of actual celebrities as they make the life-changing decision to enter themselves into a drug, alcohol and addiction treatment program with the sincere desire to achieve true rehabilitation and recovery…At every step in this challenging process, viewers at home will witness the real true life struggles of these celebrity patients, who ultimately appear in their sincerest human form as regular people in need of a helping hand and earnestly striving for recovery, health and future happiness.”

This show in my opinion is nothing more than a heartbreaking exploitation of a problem, a sin, which haunts so many people, these people included throughout the world. Now, there has only been one episode to watch so far, but I can’t help but wonder if there will be any mention of Christ, God or the redemptive power of His forgiveness during this show? Most often times they mention a “higher power” during recovery, but who that higher power may be is left up to interpretation. There is only one way out of this problem, Jesus Christ. “…I am the way, the truth, and the life…” John 14:6. I will not discount that it is possible that these celebrities can come out of this thing clean and sober, but clean and recovered are two completely different things. It is a change in lifestyle and a change of mindset. Many of these celebrities that have done stints in rehab end up back on the same path because they never address the true root of the problem. It all begins in the mind. If you don’t address this problem, and you don’t accept the WAY out, Christ, then you will fall back on your face time and time again. This is seen so many times in Hollywood, and not only there but in those outside of the spotlight. We will see what this show will entail…I pray that no matter how “unscripted” it may be, that God will have His hand in each one of His children’s lives.

Actions vs. Words

2008-01-08T20:25:00.000-06:00

At the beginning of the year many people make resolutions. They “resolve” to change things. Things about their life: weight, money habits, health, spiritual growth, the list goes on and on. But how often do these resolutions get thrown to the curb because they were really only lip service to begin with? Perhaps they really were made with the right intentions, I know that I’ve made my fair share year after year, but why is it so much easier to give lip service than to put words into action? There are many things that could answer this question, but the big one that stands out in my mind is the fear of failure. This is definitely the case for me. The fear of failure is a true paradox. From a Christian standpoint, when you live your life with fear, you have already failed. You have failed yourself, potentially failed others that you may have helped, and certainly failed GOD. The idea of action is scary for some people because of this very idea. Lip service is natural, it is talking. Most of us have things that we want to accomplish, relationships we want to cultivate, things about ourselves we want to change, but all of these things take work, they take discipline, they take faith. James 2:26 says, “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.” Our faith without comparable action is dead and devoid of life. Mark Twain said, “Actions speak louder than words but not nearly as often”. How so very true this is. Once a person says they are going to do something and continuously fail to follow through with those actions, mistrust is formed and that relationship suffers. Or if a person tells their spouse that they love them but fails to show that love, then the words mean nothing. It seems like a simple, almost silly statement, but I have found it to be true in my life…Words really are meaningless unless there are actions behind them to support what you mean. Sometimes it may be difficult to follow through things that you say you want to do because of fear, but remember "In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?"Psalm 56:11

Judge or Witness?

2007-12-18T16:43:00.000-06:00

I read an article out of the Abilene Reporter News that really bothered me. In truth, it really angered me. I’m going to post the article instead of the link because it is relatively short. It is titled, “Abilene needs to clear up its alcohol addiction”

“One of the things that really bothers me is the amount of alcohol abuse in Abilene. This is something our churches could pull together and do something about. I was in 7-Eleven the other morning and a gentleman was buying beer at 7:30 a.m. He was already too intoxicated to buy, in my opinion, but the clerk sold it to him. Just think, how many beer cans, whiskey bottles and bags that hold the items people could get off our streets. The drunks sitting behind the stores drinking would be gone. Let's see clutter and drunks out from behind the stores. I can live without this. I know that it generates a lot of revenue in Abilene, but let's not get into greed. It might close a few stores that generate anywhere from $500 to $3,000 a day -- I don't see any of this money, so close them. It will all get down to pulling together and cleaning up our town, forget about the money. If you take a serious look at it, it's a problem. It causes prostitution, homelessness and an addiction that is almost impossible to get rid of. I know everyone wants to do something about this. So, get out from behind your desk, pull together and 'git er done.'”

There were several comments along with this article, some who agreed, many who did not. First and foremost, this is something that could have started with the gentleman who saw the man purchasing the alcohol. We, as Christians, are all called to be witnesses in one form or another of Jesus Christ. Instead of writing an opinion article about the “problem”, he could have had the first impact on this man. He says that “he” can live without the “drunks sitting behind the stores”. God warns us against judgment. In Romans 2:1-3 the Bible says, "You have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God?"

The writer of the article also mentions to “not get into greed”, but where is his compassion, his love? People who are caught in the middle of an addiction are hurting people and we do not know where they are in their spiritual life. Many people do not understand addiction which is why it is so easy to “throw away” or get those “off our streets” who are caught up in this sin. However, it is a sin and only God can break them down to a place of brokenness and contriteness; we do not know where anyone is in their walk with God. It is a shame to make something as serious as an addiction about cleaning up a town; it should be about cleaning up a soul. This can start with you. That very person who is buying beer at 7:30 in the morning may be an alcoholic but if that is all you see them as then YOU become just as wrong as they are. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (Luke 6:41-42) Sin comes in many forms, and Satan is deceitful. And writing and cleverly disguised opinion article isn't a the best way to rally your brothers and sister's in Christ to clean up what you may see as "clutter and drunks" in the town. They are people, they are also your brothers and sisters in Christ and they are also loved by God. The next time you see one of your brothers and sisters buying that drink, stop and ask yourself why? Why might they be hurting? Why are you? And what can YOU do to help them?

Incorruptible Love vs. Corruptible Love

2007-12-13T18:58:00.000-06:00

"Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ with incorruptible love." Ephesians 6:24

A question was recently posed to me what I thought was an “incorruptible love”. I thought this was a compelling question, which is why it has taken me a few days to respond. This verse calls us to love Him with an incorruptible love. To love Him with “all your heart, mind soul and strength” is the basic definition of how to love God and through that He will bless us with His grace. There is nothing in the universe more powerful than the grace of God, and there is nothing more valuable than an incorruptible love. It is only by the grace of God that we have any love, faith, or wisdom. Even so, none of these alone can bring us the victory, but everything is dependent on God’s grace. If we build our lives on the grace of God, then we will not just have love, we will have an “incorruptible love.” A love which will never compromise, never fall to the temptations of this world, but remain pure and undefiled until the end. Incorruptible love, or true love, is living for Christ. This originates with God, who created the first experience of love. The act of living for Christ means that you give one hundred percent of yourself and not keep count, and continue to do so until there is nothing left to give. If you decide that you have given enough then you cannot continue to give everlastingly. Love flows perpetually only if it is given unconditionally. You cannot truly love Christ while selfishly desiring more for yourself. Relationships in this state will not stand up against Satan’s attacks. This is especially true in marriage. God commands husbands and wives to love one another; Husbands to love their wives as their own bodies (Ephesians 5:28) and wives to respect and submit to their husbands (Colossians 3:18). The true spirit of real love is to live for Christ. This will improve all of your relationships. This is certainly not conquered overnight. Satan hates love and hates God, which is why he tries to destroy God’s concept of love and wants to corrupt it. Any form of motive corrupts love. Any kind of holding back yourself from others corrupts love. Controlling corrupts love. Manipulation corrupts love. If one lies to oneself, one will lie to another person. Sexual immorality corrupts love. I believe that fear is one of the greatest things that corrupts love. In 2 Timothy 1:7 the Bible says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” Fear that we will loose the one we love at any time, for any reason, causes us to hold on too tightly to that person and causes us to distort how we love that person and how we experience love. If we hold to the spirit of power and love we will not be overcome by fear. 1 Corinthians 13 states that love is not jealous. Jealously also corrupts true love. What kind of love gets jealous? Love mixed with fear. Where does that jealously come from? Our fear we will lose the person we love to someone else. Anger also corrupts love. Speaking out of that anger with a loose tongue also harms the person that you love. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." If we each continue to love one another with the love that God has commanded us to love Him with, a selfless, caring, undying, perpetual love, then this is what I believe is an incorruptible love.

The Little Things

2007-12-11T16:39:00.000-06:00

The little things? The little moments? They aren't little. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

I was driving to a doctor’s appointment today in the miserable rainy weather that we are having, when I noticed something that isn’t often seen. A rainbow. There it was, colorful and brilliant against the gray, cold, rainy clouds. So, I reached for my phone to take a quick picture of it to show my husband, (yes, while I was driving…shame on me) and when I looked back up, it was gone. Just as suddenly as it appeared to me, it was suddenly gone. At first, I thought it was strange but then I knew…God sent me that rainbow, a smile from Him just for me. It brought a smile to my face and I thanked Him. I started thinking about all of the “God smiles” that He sends us and we miss, simply because of all of the distractions that are in our way. How many things in each day, go by because we don’t have the “time” to stop and look? Especially this time of year is a hectic time for many people, but those “God moments” don’t have to be missed and the real reason for this time of year doesn’t have to be lost in the shuffle. Each breath we take is given, not promised by God, and it is easy to take for granted that those moments will be there again. It is amazing to me how we can ignore some of the little things, yet they make such a difference. Take the time to tell someone you love them, smile at a stranger, tell someone how much you appreciate them, and exude Christ in all that you do. And slow down and be amazed at how many “God smiles” you will see.

"Therefore behold, I am going to make them know—This time I will make them know My power and My might; and they shall know that My name is the LORD."Jeremiah 16:21

Quote for the Day

2007-12-10T17:37:00.000-06:00

“We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.”- Simone Weil

Compromise...The Slippery Slope

2007-12-07T10:21:00.000-06:00

“No one will ever know”…”Just this one time”…and the BIG ONE…”God will forgive me”. These are the deceptively simply compromises that everyone makes. (Yes, I am generalizing, because we are all subject to the pitfalls of sin) Compromise is usually subtle at first, but then it explodes into something far greater than you intended for it to be. This is because as you take a step into the little compromises in your life, you conscience gets dulled. No one is immune to sin, and the pitfalls of compromise and temptation. First and foremost, compromise is costly. Eventually if you compromise your Christian walk long enough, you will loose sight of where it all began. Take for instance King Solomon. It would do all of us well to remember those who have fallen due to compromise, and King Solomon was one of those. Solomon's experience is a warning of what will befall us if we follow his example of compromise. He had great fortune and success, but it came with a strong warning from God. "You must not intermarry with them (his wives), because they will surely turn your heart after their gods. Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.” (1 Kings 11:2) 4 “As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molech the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the LORD; he did not follow the LORD completely, as David his father had done. (1 Kings 11:4-6) Charles Stanley, one of my personal favorite preachers, said in one of his sermons, “It is impossible to compromise without giving up something. But what I receive may not be equal to what I give up. The question is, ‘What do I need to compromise?’ Purity? Honesty? Integrity? Our belief in the Word of God? Satan will whisper, as he did to Solomon, ‘Come on, no one’s perfect. Everyone has to give up on something to make it in this life.” Compromise is costly. It corrupts. It brings collapse, and ultimately drives you away from God…but He never leaves you. I know from personal experience that through my many personal moral compromises, that God never left me. I LEFT HIM. But through his own love, grace and mercy He accepted me home.

Psalm 111:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.”

"Life is good. So why can't you stop worrying?"

2007-12-04T16:45:00.000-06:00

This is the title of an article I read on MSNBC.com today that is very insightful. One of the comments in the story was, "many women fret about the future, instead of savoring happiness now." I hope you find this article as interesting as I did.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21993569/

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

Sharing Yourself

2007-12-03T12:11:00.001-06:00

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit” – Napolean Hill

I found this quote today in my search to find the words to start writing. I want to talk about relationships, but this is an exceptionally difficult topic for me to discuss. Perhaps it is because I have built a brick wall around myself for years, and over time I have had to tear that brick wall down piece by piece, (or rather, GOD has torn that wall down), but it isn’t still quite completely down yet. I thought for so long that this wall that I had built was there for my own self protection, like my own fortress that was impenetrable by anyone, but instead this wall lead to self isolation in a world where I was of no benefit to myself. In the face of adversity, my little wall was there, shielding me from any sort of pain. But unbeknownst to me, I was only causing myself more heartache, and more pain, and also causing others the same. I was failing myself God and those around me by my lack of willingness to deal with pain. What is God’s goal in adversity? I believe it is to draw us closer to Him, and through that draw us closer to others. Satan wants to destroy marriages, which is why he finds ways to stir chaos, and create adversity. But ultimately, every with the worst of circumstances and challenges, there lies the possibility for healing. One of the most difficult things for me to do with anyone, especially those I am in close relationships with, is to open up completely and truly be myself. Those satanic seeds of doubt begin to grow, and that is where the self-isolation begins and the mask of phoniness goes on. I have always struggled with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and complete lack of confidence in my abilities. The longer we allow ourselves to stay hidden, and wear that mask of artificial confidence, the deeper we isolate ourselves into exactly who God doesn’t want us to be. If you aren’t true to yourself, you aren’t allowing someone to love you for whom you really are. If we disallow people we are in relationships with to discover our true self because we are not willing to be who we really are, we ultimately cause damage to the relationship. The act of sharing our self causes us to be vulnerable. However, this act of sharing our self elicits the closeness and evokes the love of another. We deny ourselves the opportunity to be truly loved, and them the opportunity to love us. This comes from God. God loves us no matter how much of ourselves we give to Him, however, the more of ourselves we let go of to Him, the more love, and peace we will feel in our lives as well. God will then bless us to be able to fear less and give more to our spouses. I read an interesting article today about creating masterpieces. It stated that masterpieces aren’t created overnight. Michelangelo spent almost 5 years painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Early Monks would often take a lifetime to create a single book. Masterpieces take time; it is the same with a deep and powerful relationship. It said, “While the instant attraction may be a thing of startling beauty, and certainly the romance is enjoyable, a deeply unified and emotionally fulfilling relationship takes time to emerge and become strong. When things are not going as we would like, when we don't see the results of our efforts, when our relationship seems less than the ideal for which we hoped, it is helpful to remind ourselves that we are creating a masterpiece. A masterpiece does not come instantaneously, nor is it simple. A masterpiece requires time and patience and dedication. Just like a beautiful, deeply loving relationship.” Challenges in life and in relationships make us stronger. Strength provides what we need to be able to heal our wounds, and healing allows us to grow. Growth provides a God given ability to see things and people and cherish them in a new way you never understood before. The very act of opening our hearts, revealing who we really are, an exposing our soul, is exactly what we need to allow the love of others to enter our awareness. And the gift that we give to our spouses as we reveal our true self is a real person to love.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Mental Health vs. Spiritual Health

2007-11-29T14:51:00.000-06:00

The mental health issue has plagued America for years. I have been caught up in this war for almost 10 years now. I’ve been told that I was depressed, bipolar, had psychosis issues, anxiety disorders, and have been “treated” for all of these. Around the age when I was first seen for these issues, the first treatment option was “…you need medication”. Now, years later, I am still battling the medication war. Should I be on them, or not? Have I done damage to my own system that is irreparable because this was the first line of “treatment” given, instead of addressing the WHY?
I read an interesting article today about Britney Spears. She has been all over the news and there has been wide spread word about her drug use, and what seems to be “a mental health problem”. Here is an excerpt from the article, “Spears once blamed some of her behaviors on being “country,” but according to mental health professionals, former employees and friends, Spears’ problems at best stem from deep issues with fame, or at worst, indicate a serious drug or mental health problem. (Britney) is a drug addict. It is an indisputable point,” addiction specialist and “Loveline” host Dr. Drew Pinsky recently told Us Weekly. Pinsky, who does not treat Spears, backed up his claim, which has not been directly addressed by the singer or her camp, adding, “We know that she is a drug addict because she's been admitted to a treatment center. You can't be admitted unless you’ve met criteria for addiction.”
When I read this, I ran through the gamut of emotions, from sadness, to anger, to plain disgust. There are so many things wrong with this statement in my opinion. To claim that someone is a drug addict because they have been admitted into a drug rehab program is completely absurd. Hollywood has made a mockery of the drug rehab program, and just because someone has been admitted into a rehab program does not make them an addict. People are drug addicts because they are trying to fill a void, an emptiness with a temporary fix, and once this temporary fix has been discovered, they want it again and again because it is TEMPORARY. Is Britney a drug addict? Possibly, I am not her, but to label someone with that label because they have gone into treatment is insensitive and obtuse. The article also stated, “it doesn't take a professional to see that her mood shifts from being overly happy and energetic to irritable and angry,” Brams said. “All of us get moody, but problems happen when our moods and behaviors change quickly and perhaps for no reason. She seems to be predictably unpredictable.” Predictably unpredictable…I believe that at a time in my life I was also stamped with this label. I will agree that it may not take a professional to notice mood shift, however, it does take a professional to label someone mentally ill; the problem lies in whether or not they truly are. Mental illness and drug addicts have a huge stigma in America, and often people with these labels are tossed aside and prescribed medication to “help” their supposed disorder or ignored completely. Drug addicts use drugs to dull the pain of underlying issues, to fill the big black hole that has been created by the lack of God in their lives. I believe that so many of these issues can be solved if “spiritual health” rather than “mental health” is evaluated first. I am NOT saying that there are not people out there who have true mental health issues, and do truly have the need for medication. However, I have realized through my own experience with the mental health label, and medication, and also drug abuse, that if our spiritual health is evaluated and treated first, that many of the problems that we have can be addressed and laid at the cross. It took me many years to get to the point where I was even willing to accept this idea, much less, put it into action. Even today, in weaker moments, I struggle with the idea that I might need medication. Satan speaks to our minds, and is very cunning in his attempts to do so. All of the feelings that went along with my journey were planted by Satan: guilt, worthlessness, anger, hatred, shame, the list goes on and on. If we allow Christ to enter our lives and turn all of these feelings over to Him, He will fill the void. Nothing else will ever do this and trying to do so alone is Satan’s desire for us, not God’s. It is easier for many people to believe that they must be mentally ill because a doctor told them they were, rather than spiritually ill. This was the case for me because I could rationalize why I might have mental issues, but I could not see or touch or rationalize my spiritual health. It wasn’t until I witnessed for myself the healing power of Christ that I knew my problem was that I was spiritually ill. Once I turned over my past and gave up the idea that I could not change my past, hope for the future set in. Christ is always with us, even in our darkest moments. It is up to us to recognize and accept His power. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or drug addiction, realize that God is with you and He has the answers. Turn to Him to fill the void, not the world, because the world is fleeting and could be taken tomorrow, His love is eternal. And if you are not struggling with these issues, and you are spiritually healthy, help those who cannot see the truth. Pray for people like Britney Spears, and those like her. And remember that “your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8-9) But God understands, "for since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."(Hebrews 2:18)

Rumors and Misunderstandings

2007-11-28T15:59:00.000-06:00

As a child, several of friends of mine and me would often play “Pass It Down” or what is sometimes called “Grapevine” or “The Whisper Game". For those of you who have never played it, here is a basic description of what it is. Basically, one person whispers some phrase in another person’s ear, and then that person whispers it to the next person what they heard. This continues down the line until the final person repeats what they have heard to see if it is the same as the original phrase. I can’t think of a time when the final phrase was the same as the original phrase when we would play. This game was always fun as kids but it really did show what commonly happens in life through human communication. The game shows how information can become corrupted through indirect communication and how a rumor can blow up into a huge ordeal. I experienced a real life form of this game today. I was told by a co-worker that they heard that my boss called a previous employee to offer her my job. This rumor or misunderstanding all started as a joke. Unfortunately it caused stress among the people who knew about this phone call as to whether or not to tell me because they didn’t want to betray the trust of the person who received the call, but they knew they needed to let me know. So, I went straight to the source, and without naming names, I asked my boss if this was true. It was not, and it all started with a question posed to this person as to whether or not they would ever want to be in the same position as me, but not my job specifically. Once word got passed down the “grapevine” to me, it was a different story. As is always the case, God used this experience to teach me something about myself and my surroundings. I had a peace that no matter what the outcome turned out to be, it would be ok. Back in April, my husband was laid off due to the sub-prime mortgage crash, so I knew that even if I were about to be fired, God would provide and things would be ok. I was able to quickly overcome my anger because I am aware of how miscommunication can change reality. These are feelings that can only be given by the Holy Spirit and it is still amazing to me the avenues that He chooses to teach us lessons. Throughout my experiences, I have also learned that it is almost always easier to believe a rumor, or lie rather than the rational truth. This is another deception tactic that Satan uses. Had I immediately reacted, not only could I have blown up at my boss, but I could have caused my own self unnecessary anxiety. I am thankful for yet another lesson taught by Him that I hope can bless others as well. If you are confronted with a “whisper”, tell it to Him first and pray for discernment and wisdom, and try not to react on your first emotions. One of the sayings I have learned from Narcotics Anonymous, and usually hold true for me even today is “first thought wrong”. We as humans react on emotion, but with His guidance, we can react on faith.

"He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent." Proverbs 17:27

Thankfulness

2007-11-27T08:05:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year, when the words “thanks”, “thanksgiving”, and “thankfulness” are heard most often. Sad really, because it is during this time that we express our thankfulness over things that God has blessed us with for the entire year (lifetime), and most of us, only devote one day to thankfulness. I did not grow up in a family that sat around the dinner table during Thanksgiving, and each person had to name at least one thing they were thankful for. And even now we don’t do that. It is easy to be thankful during the good times, but it is difficult to be thankful during the hard times. A sermon was preached at my church yesterday regarding “thankfulness”, and he asked the question, “Why is it so hard to be thankful”? I know that for me, for so many years it was because I was trying to fill what I wanted in my life, and what was missing with worldly things, and when those things didn’t fill my heart, I turned to drugs, self mutilation, men, the list goes on and on, for relief. By a worldly standpoint, my low points in my life far exceeded the high points, and during both of these times, I had no faith. Sure, if someone would have asked me, I would have told them that I was thankful for many things, my husband, my son, my health, basic things. But it wasn’t until I faced loosing all of those things, that I learned what true thankfulness really was. In the sermon yesterday it was said, “Our thankfulness doesn’t have to be about a matter of our circumstances, but of a matter of faith. Even if God allows us to stay in our circumstances, He is working for our good.” I realize now that because I had no faith, because I was trying to use worldly things to make me happy, that I had to reason to rely on God. But in all His wisdom, He allowed me to fall, He allowed Satan to have his way with me, and because of this, I am so thankful for what I have today. If we have no hard times, no afflictions, no suffering, what then do we truly have to be thankful for? How do we grow past the “milk” stage of faith, to the “solid food” stage? Sometimes the hard times we face are exactly what we need to lead us to the good times. If we can learn to recognize that there are always better days to come and that God is the only one who will give us those better days, then we can learn to appreciate the value in our pain, in our afflictions…this is where are faith is tested, and where it is developed. This is a hard lesson that I have learned through much pain and heartache, and through this lesson I have caused those that I love much pain as well. However, it is my belief that even the pain that I have caused through my own failures, God will use for good. I know that during the most difficult time in my life, my husband also had to lean on God and his faith was developed as well. Even with all that God has given me, I still have to work on thanking Him each day. I try to remember that each day is a gift, our lives are not ours, and everything we have can be gone in an instant. And although there are days where I still find it difficult to be thankful, I remember that had it not been for everything that I have had to endure, both self inflicted and outside of my control, I would not be sitting here today writing this. I would not have my job to go to, I would not have my husband to wake up to each morning, I would not have my child to see smile, I would not have my health, and I would not have peace. When it becomes truly difficult to be thankful, I remember this verse…."We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Things can always be worse, and the good times will come. I have asked myself this question, and now I ask you, WHAT ARE YOU TRULY THANKFUL FOR?

The Serenity Prayer

2007-11-24T11:32:00.001-06:00

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

This is a prayer that I have recited and have known for many years. It is most often associated with 12 step recovery groups, but on for the first few lines. It was originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr, who has no association with any 12 step group. He used this prayer as part of a sermon that he delivered in 1943. As I went through and re-read the whole prayer, I realized that it is one that we all can recite and if we would simply put to practice the words in this prayer it has a great potential to bring us an astounding peace. In this life, we are so consumed with changing things that we do not like, including ourselves, and others around us, that we forget where the ultimate source of change comes from...God Himself. If we would each take everyday, and every moment and live those to glorifiy God, and stop trying to control out own environments, then we would all face true surrender. God did not promise us happiness, but He did promise that their are better days to come. As a Christian, (and still in the "baby food stage") I have to tell myself almost daily, that there are always better days to come. If not in this life, then with Him, where we will all be "supremely happy with Him forever". Each day, each moment is not promised, which means that the hatred, the anger, the bitterness, and the past WE CANNOT CHANGE, can and will be made right if we trust in Him, and completely surrender. For me, it has taken years, and many mistakes for me to realize that the only thing I can change is my relationship with Him, and my view of myself. Today, I still work on the forgiveness part of my past, but I know that I have truly been forgiven by Him. This perhaps is the hardest thing to accept...when we realize that we cannot change others to fit our needs, or the environment around us for our comfort, or our past, we must realize that through this frustration that we must look up and go to our knees and bow our heads in humility and not wait for the day when we are bowing our heads in sorrow. Don't wait for that day, because that day may never come. Live today as though it is your last, and appreciate the things that God has blessed you with, even your afflictions.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding."Proverbs 3:5

Godly Strength, Human Weakness

2007-11-23T17:06:00.000-06:00

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
This is officially my first posting in the blogging world, and I pondered for a while over what topic I really wanted to start out with. I chose this topic because for so many years, (even very recently) I had such a misconception on what true strength was, and I believe this idea is sadly misconstrued in the world as well. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly have not mastered the idea, or come to fully embrace it yet, but I can finally admit that through my own weaknesses, I have become stronger in my own faith with Christ. I certainly have a greater appreciation for the hardships that I have endured, because of the valuable lessons that I have learned. To admit that I am weak, in any form, has always made me feel “less than”, and that I am some sort of failure. I had to be able to control my own world and hide any sort of weakness that I was feeling, whether it was emotional, physical, or spiritual. The first hard lesson that I have learned is that, my life is not my own to control, and I am horrible at taking care of myself; that is a job than God never intended for any of us to have. It is my failure in this that lead me down a path into darkness, away from God, and into a world void of all love, grace and mercy. God allowed me to fall away from Him, and ultimately on my face before I realized He was the only place I had to turn. He showed me His power and extended His grace, and welcomed me home. God used my own suffering, and my own mistakes to humble me and in my humility, I became broken, and through my brokenness, my heart became contrite, and it was during this weakest point in my life, that I became strong. We will all continue to have difficulties, hurts, pain, and struggles, but God has promised that His grace is sufficient. He promised this because it will help us to all endure; it certainly helps me to this day. And although I still struggle, I am learning that “when I am weak, then I am strong”, because through my own weaknesses, God’s power shines through.